Michelle is beginning to face represed memories of my childhood... Was I actually loved by my family or just tollerated?

So today... Yesterday (Sunday) was my aunts birthday..

The night before I learn that my uncle would like me to join the family for a celebration of her birthday. I think that is fine..

Unfortunately for me they are having brunch at 12 noon.. (In the middle of when I have Church on Sunday at the Royal Oak Vineyard)

Not much of a problem aside from the fact that I feel that I am being drained of my ability to attend Church with the people who help me feel spiritually alive.
My Savior only knows how much I miss them.

I have not truly been apart of an entire service/ opportunity to be immersed in the spirit at Church for over a month and a half..


Well that is one thing.. The reason this bugs me so is the fact that there is a strong disconnect between my values and some particular family members values when it comes to "Church" Long story short for now these family members believe that it is imperative to "Keep the Sabbath" in other words Church should be on Saturday.
This leaves me feeling unwelcome to attend the Vineyard.. A place I feel loved and connected with the holy spirit.. without feeling judged... This also leaves me feeling quite awkward every time I attend their "Sabbath Service" I don't feel right about it at all. In fact often times I feel more condemned than anywhere I have ever been before.

One of my major reasons for moving to Detroit was to find out why my household - Mom Dad Brother and Myself have become so separated from the family.. Honestly it almost feels as if we have been segregated... One belief vs. another... one stating "These things are true and you are not following them." and the other "What is the difference Jesus tells us to love one another"

This goes back before I was even born.. Why is there such a disconnect?

It goes to the point to say that My family-- Mom Dad Brother and Myself... Did not know my aunt was even in a relationship... (it was quite long time.. close to 2 years) but then learned at a family reunion that she was now married.....

My family has been left out of so many things... Why? Why do we not seem to be important enough to be informed of major life changing events that occur in our own family?


So my uncle has not necessarily been batting me but asking me a lot of questions that cause me to think of why I am the way I am..

Honestly I didn't feel very loved when I was growing up... I had very low self-esteem.

Often times it seems as if the conversation leads back to my parents not doing a very good job of loving me or my brother as children.

Well later that night a memory came back to me that quite speaks to that above statement.

He invited me to a lunch for my aunt on the next day. I told him I was teaching with the children at my Church.. It was almost as if he was about to freak out on me asking if I forgot about Andra's birthday... In reality it came to my attention within the week but still was not a big deal to me.

The last time I ever recall having anything special happen for me on my birthday was when I was like 6... No big deal.. its just another day..

Steve looked at me puzzled and asked really? I said yea... whats the big deal..
It almost seemed foreign the thought to him not to celebrate a birthday...

Back to that statement earlier..

Often times it seems as if the conversation leads back to my parents not doing a very good job of loving me or my brother as children.

Well in reality... I know there are areas in my parents parenting in which they could have showed us they loved us (my brother and I) more. I do know they love us, but in many ways they hurt us...

But why??

Well I believe that hurt people, hurt people...

So how much help did my parents really have in raising me?

How often did my family reach out to be a part of our lives?

Why is it that every time I actually learned something about my family was after a deliberate search and attempt to find specific answers..

I don't recall being told I was loved. Being given special gifts symbolizing love for me..

I don't recall...

Why?


Then to feel as if I need to belong to a specific "Church" to belong...
Man my family was so excited that I went to the Feast of Tabernacles... To me it almost seemed that in their eyes I was finally taking a step towards God..

Well anyone who knows me knows that God is my true Father and Creator.. I will not forget that..

Why would I only be taking "a Step" ...

Is this love conditional?
Why?


Please explain to me why I should even question these things in the first place..
Let alone cry over them..

Nor think about them every time one of my cousins has a birthday party and is showered with gifts from everyone..

why?

Why are my brother and I not treated the same?

Why?