I'm really glad I started writing this!

So its been a while...
Hmm.. an update..
I had a really great convo with my dad today..
Its been absolutely amazing to be witness to a change in the way my father and I have communicated in the past couple years.

I absolutely love it. After talking with him today I feel as if I am again the little girl who used to follow him around wanting him to hold me. I love that feeling and have longed for it for many years. I love my dad.

Its amazing to see what a broken relationship we used to have.. I felt so unloved and rejected quite often.. He hardly talked to be and when he did it always seemed he was telling me not to do something I felt was right... or at least not bad.. I always wanted to help people.. Yea sometimes it put me in uncomfortable situations and I know that worried him..

Today he told me that he could be worried over Matt and I in what has happened in our pasts but it would be useless.. All that matters is what direction we are headed.

It is so true.. I wish we would have agreed on these things earlier in life..
More-so I find it amazing to see my dad becoming more relational with me.. He’s begun sharing more of his insecurities with me.. Over the last 5 years I have realized how much of my families lives I have missed out on..

5 years ago my mother acquired a very rare disease in which her bottom lip swelled up and her throat swelled closed.. The doctors were not sure if they were connected.. but regardless they were puzzled.. We were afraid my mother’s life was drawing to a close. It scared the crap out of me.. I had never before thought about how my life would change without my parents.

How would I handle it?

It make me think that if something were to happen to Mom, I would have a bigger responsibility to take care of Matt.. when neither one of us really got along well with dad.. Matt was my baby.. I love that boy.. anyone touch him be fair warned...

Then if something happened to both mom and dad.. then what...
I would be almost done with school and would try and finish it out at Janesville leaving my brother to move to Kansas City with my uncle.. No I didn’t want to loose my brother.. I decided I would show him even more love.. I cared I want to know that he knows I love him. And better yet I want him to follow his dreams and want him to know that I am here when he gets knocked down..

As for my parents.. Well we were on shaky ground.. I loved them, but really only talked to them when they told me to do something.. and well Matt and I both pretty much ignored them.. (we were not very good at honoring our mother and father) (we also didn't get disciplined for it either)

There were a few things in my past that had told me my parents loved me, but I craved to know in an ever present way.. So what better way then to start loving them in a visual way first.. Find out what makes them feel loved..

One of the first big turn arounds came after I finished reading a book.. Not sure exactly which one it was.. I may have blogged about it years ago.. who knows.. but in this book it talked about inviting your parents to be a part of your love story. I found this very fascinating and after reading the stories in the book it made me truly want my parents to be involved in my relationships. So after mustering up as much courage as I had (remeber we had a broken relationship at the time) I took my parents out for dinner and talked to them about the concept.. I wanted them to be involved and I wanted their approval.

I mean hey, what more could a parent ask for then to have a teenager want their opinion...

Unfortunately.. Later I didn’t really ask for their advice about a relationship and got my heart broken.. but that’s a different story..

but slowly and surely my relationship with my parents began to strengthen :)

I recall one day asking my mother why she read so many romance novels...
I mustered up the courage to tell her it concerned me that she was building up a false reality and false expectations of her relationship with dad and it concerned me.

now a few years later.. she still reads romance novels but the one that are not filled with so many false hopes.. But I'm still praying about that one... I hope one day she will be the one I turn to with questions about the Bible. With the amount of reading she does... Wow.. She would know so much very quickly..

Then there was the day that I could not ever deny again the thought that my Mother did not love me...It was a day of Gods intervention.. I was have some really tough self-esteem issues and just had to get away, so I grabbed my guitar and my binder of music and headed off to a park just past Waverly..
When I got there my emotions continued to get the best of me and I ended up in sobs..
I called my mom searching desperately for God and hope..
Mom told me to "Shut Up" ... at first I was like what.. then she continued.. "You are my daughter and you are valuable" Shut Up! Stop it. You are valuable" ... Or something to that affect.. For the first time in my life.. aside from a time when I was a freshman my mother started crying after something she found out I was doing.. but I knew that she loved me..
She cared enough to tell me to Shut Up.
... I sobbed even more...

In a later conversation my mother also told me that she would love me and be there for me no matter what the situation.. Even if I had gotten drunk and needed help or ended up coming home pregnant she would be there...

Wow.. Mom really loved me.. :)

After those happenings I spent 3 months in Tennessee (summer 07) and well almost every time I talked to mom I was in tears.. I was in a relationship at the time and it kept going well then bad.. I missed him desperately and was frustrated because I had though we would have been married or at least engaged by then and didnt understand why he was not committed... talk about frustrating.. (that relationship is over now and he is married to another.. long story short.. he didn't waste much time)

During that time I began to see Mom as more of a friend. :)

So now Mom and I get along well.. how about me and Dad?... well not so much..
Dad and mostly argued about Matt and Church theology..

I thought Dad needed to make more time to spend with Matthew.. I knew that spending time with Dad made me feel loved and assumed it would with Matt too..

After a night going to youth group after Chris broke up with me I learned that Matt primary love language is quality time.. He told me that it was really nice spending more time with me.. (Chris was no longer around... I was in pieces and leaned on Matt to help me through the youth group I was leading)

Matt liked spending time with me.. Quality Time... then his other is Physical Touch.. he sits on me all the time.. which is ok, because we share the same love languages.. :) I understand my bro.

So I would try and explain Matt's love language to my Dad and encourage him to spend more time with him... most of the time I was frustrated by the end of the night because it felt like I was being ignored.. When he complained about the things that Matt does.. Like taking about pieces of the Jimmy.. Matt loves working on cars.. Dad would rather spend tons of money to have it fixed instead of letting Matt tinker with it and see if he could fix it..

I wanted Dad to encourage Matt to continue doing something he liked... Aeromechanics’.. despite how much Dad hated the idea.. I reasoned it would really show him you love and support him..

So dad and I argued..

Then a bit after Chris broke up with me I moved in with a friend in Waverly.. one night Dad and I were taking a walk around Waverly and I was really down about having my heart ripped out and then stabbed.. I think this was around the time that I learned he was engaged.. (about 2 months after breaking up with me) I was having a really hard time with it and well Dad doesn’t handle emotions very well.
He took me bowling... to avoid talking about it...

Well now after counseling.. yes I broke down and went to counseling.. Its really not bad.. I liked my counselor.. :) She loved having me come in and share my updates..

I was also very attentive in getting help from my Church.. Yes God lined that one up.. Thank you for giving me a caring Church before that all happened.. You are a wonderful God.

As you can see I very much dislike pain and wanted it to end ASAP... So I took every measure to figure out why this happened and how.. If I feel as if I'm being ignored.. I typically address the situation and want to discuss it.. (I felt ignored a lot by Chris) (he didn't seem to want to talk much either) (double the frustration)

Anyway back to Dad.. He took me bowling...
I knew my Dad was very bad about talking about emotional things.. but really..

Eh.. After getting to a point where I was drawing closer and closer to God and gaining more healing things went better.

Then a turning point for me with Dad was on my birthday.. He got me roses and a card.. I thought they were from Mom until she corrected me.
They were from Dad????? my Dad????? Wow...

Dad really does care.. He loves me. :)

Then a few things happened that I left my Dad out of for sake of saving ourselves from arguing about it..

These had to do with religion.. So my mothers side of the family believes in keeping the Sabbath (Saturday) the also do not eat "unclean meats" and also celebrate many of the festivals recorded in the Old Testament.. one of them being the Feast of Tabernacles..

I had always felt a separation between my immediate family and my mothers family and it frustrated me.. I wanted to know what the differences were and decided for myself if they were truly biblical or not..

I knew that my father had gone through a similar debate when he was seeking after my mother.. and I didn't want to argue about it..

Then I had also been considering moving to Detroit to help out my aunt and uncle with their children and to better understand their beliefs. I didn’t think this would go over very well with dad, so I didn’t talk about it much with him.. I talked to Mom.. I knew she would support me.

I knew Dad trusted me, but I also knew he was concerned for my well-being and my relationship with Christ..

He proved this to me when I got to Detroit by telling me to be careful that what Moms family believe was not what he had determined to be truth.. (something very similar to that)

Wow.. Dad cares.. and he Understands..

Then a phone conversation with my Dad arises from a question I pose to him about Spiritual Warfare.. It turns into at least an hour conversation about the logistical workings of the battle occurring in the heavenly realms concerning our spirits and more particularly the battle that takes place in the mind.. (The battlefield of the mind --Joyce Meyers -- Check it out..)

Ok.. so I can talk with Dad again about important faith based topics..
We also talked about the differences in how Mom's family saw things and compared them to our own personal beliefs.. Dad and I are very similar.. despite his more traditional view and my more charismatic view.. (Regardless I find myself sounding more like him everyday.. ) (Lord Willing)

Then Christmas time comes.. I meet up with a friend of mine from Mass.. and we go back to Iowa together.. Some very deep and personal things are on my heart and I know that God wants me to be an open book with my family.. God had confirmed that in many ways..

So leading up to my arrival home... I let my family know that I want to talk with them when I get there.. I am terrified that my family will not react well to the news I bring.. the Honest truth of an attack of Satan and my decision to ignore Gods warning signs..

So I muster the courage yet again to be honest with my family.. And I am completely dumbfounded by the results.. and it draws my family even closer..

But to my shock it also opens a door for my Father to be more emotional with me.. or so it seems. He understands my hurt and despair..

So now I'm back in Detroit.. and today my Father randomly calls me..
He seems to be in a very pleasant mood.. he seems happy.. and it also seems that he has really no reason to call.. which is not odd, but is odd for Dad at the same time.. but even more odd is that he seems unusually happy...
Of course I am thrilled to hear his voice.. even more thrilled to hear him sound happy!! and to make it even better.. Dad and I even start talking about Relationships...... Wait... yes I said Relationships!!! Wow... Dad talking about relationships... (Who are you and what have you done with my Dad??)

He even talked about a past relationship and why he broke it off.. Mainly because he saw that God was not part of their relationship and they rarely talked about the importance of God being the center of their relationship.. nor did they go to Church together.. the foundation of their relationship was build on sand and he knew it would crumble..

Now there I could relate... Wait a min... I can relate to my Dad... about a relationship...

This pointed out another reason my relationship with Chris failed.. He didn’t seem to care about us going to Church together.. he found one he liked and didn’t even ask my opinion about it.. (I saw underlying reasons why he liked it but that’s a different story.. and no longer needs to be discussed..)

But it was really nice again to be able to go back to the very beginning with my father.. back to the first thing that began the restoration process between my parents and I.. Inviting them into my love story.. They are very much a part of it.. and I love them for it.

Dad and I were able to talk today about things that are important to me. First off that my husband have a closer relationship with Christ than I do.. well the rest will follow suit.. and don't necessarily need to be discussed..

I love my Dad and I know my love story will be an amazing one. :)

Amen-- So be it -- Be it so.

Family, I love you!