Questions in my mind

After being engulfed with the Hunger Games I take a break to question how the lives of the victims and those yet alive coincide with my own. What charecterists revealed throughout bring light in to who I portray myself to be. What nasty habits of my own are reviled and what seems to be the sources of my decisions to operate with such tones. Does this sense of being lied to penetrate throughout my being causing the same utter confusing chaos that dwells within the thought life of Katness? Does she really have a realization of what is even happening throughout her life? Do I know throughout mine? Such a loss of control. Such a sense of undeveloped boundaries of a person who does not know where she begins and ends. Who am I? What is me? What are my values? Do those things attach to other objects, things, beings? Again a out of control feeling. Do I have the ability to detach from those things that I value.. Am I supposed to? What is the point? I value things, people and objects.. but how do I know where I start and end? Do I even start and end, or are we all tied together in some mystic unbeknownst way...

Truth

The is, in fact, great freedom in not having to be first-- not in being late or in being left-- but in being free, in waiting and trusting. There is freedom when you are not afraid to be wronged, not afraid to be misunderstood, not afraid to be forgotten for the moment. When you can trust that being last doesn't mean you are bad or unloved. When your heart can trust that there is One defender of your reputation when you are maligned, One champion of your heart when you're misunderstood, One kinsman redeemer when you are wronged. Thant is true liberty and peace. Then you don't have to prove your point, be first off the plane, constantly defend your actions, or demand your rights. You are free to quietly trust.

"Keeping a Princess Heart" ~Nicole Johnson pg. 104

Letting go of people pleasing and letting God fill in the blanks of understanding. I dont have to allow people to understand me or put me into a convenient box.

Strife

Okay.. so Ive been encouraged to write again.. I may as well write about the things my heart is considering and struggling with.

How to even start..

So my brother is getting married this weekend and I am going to be a part of his wedding. I am excited for the marriage but fighting my the reality of them living together before marriage, fully knowing that as a follower of Christ this is frowned upon.

My frustration goes further than this.. my parents allowed them to live under their roof together... Before marriage... My father is a Pastor!!!

I understand that my parents don't want to "push" Matthew away but having to attest to their actions before the throne of God will be much more a cause for concern..

This leads me back to the frustration that my parents did not confront me and dish out consequences when I was living a selfish life of sin.. I should have been kicked out of the house.. seriously.. My behavior was not acceptable..

Anyway this whole thing is bring up feelings of disappointment and cause me to wonder if my parents care more about maintain a "status quo friendly relationship" with my brother and I or do they actually care about the condition of our hearts making steps closer to Christ. Personally it feels like the former.. and that angers me. My relationship with them is crap compared to the questions form God I will attest to. Was there no warning??? Is that not the role of a parent...

I guess I really don't know.. Considering I have not been blessed to have that role..
Lord help me find contentment on this issue.. However please guard my heart from people who continue to tell me "Oh be happy where you are.." I don't want nor need that crap.. Lord you know my heart desires you, you know my heart desires to encourage a man and grow with him and raise a family. Lord you know many of my dreams have been wrapped around the desire for marriage.. You put them there!!

However Lord give me vision during this time that I feel lonely.. mend my heart of its pains and bitterness and help me to believe that you actually love me.. I've been dealt enough rejection, neglect and shafts. I know those are things you have not desired that I endure.. but Im struggling to see you for the loving, protecting, encouraging God that you are.. Wipe away the pain caused by men and show me your love.

Joy

Ok, so Jim asked me to write about how the Royal Oak Vineyard Church has impacted my life.

Im not much for writing and for some reason I can write more clearly when I write on a post of some type, so here we go.

When I moved to Michigan I was simply longing for God to give me some direction.. I recall taking a walk with Dad and him sharing the wisdom that God sometimes let us choose the next step and meet us down what ever path we choose.

An opportunity opened up to move here with a place to live and a job to get me going. Next my prayer was that God provide me with a Church that I could feel at home and apart of. I had done my College Internship with a Vineyard so I searched for one here.

I first visited on the day of the Aids Walk and one of the Members practically introduced me to the entire Church, then asked me to pray for her with some other people. So I did. Then she invited me to come to an event that was going on the next weekend and offered to pay for my ticket.. So I went.

When I came to the Vineyard Church I was broken hearted, searching for healing and someone to understand me. God sent people to grab me and show me his love.
God handed me a home to live in, then provided for me when my circumstances changed.

I have lived in Michigan now for 2 1/2 years and since being here God has given me 4 homes to live in, 5 jobs, a ton of friends, a restored hope and confidence in myself that was lost and shattered, A deeper understanding of my value along with the ability to change my opinions about myself, but the best steps that God has made with me have been those that have been closer to him.

Before God formed me in my mothers womb, he knew me and He consecrated me.
Jeremiah 1:5.

I can stand secure in who I am, because I am loved.

I now feel like I can actually be the random, singing down the streets, playing football, walking with Jesus, dancing for no reason Michelle that has been hidden beneath my skin.

Lord I want more of your Joy in my life.
It is what I have been missing.

Thanks for the gift.
Hugs

The new day

Lord I don't really know what you are working in my life right now.
I am having a difficult time understanding what it means to to be loved.
I have been experiencing a kindness that I have never known and it is difficult to not be critical about those showing this kindness.
I find it ironic that I will give kindness until I can no longer stand but I have a hard time accepting it.

God I dont feel as if I deserve your love and I know I dont. I want love but I don't know what healthy love looks like. I have attachment issues. If I feel cared about by someone I will attach myself to them and value their opinions and warp my life around those opinions. God I have a hard time with the abstract view of you as a husband. I dont do well with abstract ideas. I need help to see you this way.

How do I stop attaching myself to things? How to I communicate with you letting go of the raw feeings that I need to decipher?

I dont know what to write and often times giving up simply sounds nice.
I dont want to do that Lord, I need some help. I know you have been giving it to me I just feel like I need to see our relationship in a different light. "O ye of little faith... I know I know I guess I dont have much to be asking for a sign...

Then again I am broken and crying.

Jericho and Valley of Ancor

So now Joshua is following Gods orders to march around the city of Jericho..
Not to fight but to march..

- I find it interesting that Joshua also told the Israelite's not to talk. They are not allowed to express their opinions about walking around a building. But they are to listen to directions.. Maybe even to God.. who may just in fact be confirming to the people as well that He is God and will deliver them..

But then what about the city of Jericho.. What could possibly be going through their minds.. The have these so-called Children of God walking around their city that have claimed that God will cause the city to fall to its knees.. The towns people are already afraid of the Isrealite's and have heard of the things God has done through them in the past. We know this because they attempted to chase after the Israelite spies and the woman Rahab they stayed with expressed the fear of the city.

Well we know that the People of Isrelite kept their mouths shut and the city fell to it knees.

How hard is it to just be quite and follow the Lord.. to simply watch Him do miracles through our obedience..

I'll let you ponder that one.

Joshua - faith and miracles.

I sit here amazed at the faith of Joshua, knowing and understanding that God is his shield protector and rock.

A while back I was sitting in my small group discussing the deep details of the old testament and how authors have tried to teach these things to children. Well I find it intriguing that really parents taught their children to memorize the old testament and we are afraid to even share the truth of it.

This insight led me to question why are we as adults afraid to share these things with our kids? Is it out of our own insecurities? Our own discomfort or even disbelief...

So in the passage I just finished reading Joshua is commanded by God. Well first off, what a privileged. That God would love man enough to give him direct directions..
For the majority of those who love God, we still have not been privileged to this amazing opportunity.. I wonder why is this?

Well first lets ask.. how was it that Joshua was appointed to his role in the first place.

As Moses' apprentice, Joshua was a major figure in all the events of the Exodus. He accompanied Moses part of the way when he ascended Mount Sinai to receive the Ten Commandments (Exd. 32:17). He was one of the twelve spies who were sent on by Moses to explore the land of Canaan (Num. 13:16, 17), and only he and Caleb gave an encouraging report, a reward for which would be that only these two of the spies would enter the promised land (Num 14:23-24). He was commander at their first battle after exiting Egypt, against the Amalekites in Rephidim (Ex. 17:8-16), in which they were victorious. ~~ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joshua

So Joshua, an apprentice of Moses, he was very likely to have been a man that Moses talked with frequently about the way that God had set before them. So it really makes sense that God would have Moses appoint a man who had been been shown and taught to hear and bear witness to will of God.

So is this why we as everyday people are not assigned to take on these miraculous fetes? Or are we really just not listening?

Could God be calling us into miracles?

Well then the question here stands.. Would a God of our universe send a son to perform what we would inevitably call a miracle and then bluntly tell us to go and make disciples.. and also that we have the power to cast out sickness in the name of Jesus and He desires that we do so.

18Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in[a] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." - Matthew 28: 18-20

15He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation. 16Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. 17And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; 18they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well."
19After the Lord Jesus had spoken to them, he was taken up into heaven and he sat at the right hand of God. 20Then the disciples went out and preached everywhere, and the Lord worked with them and confirmed his word by the signs that accompanied it.
-- Mark 16 :15-19

So do we have the passage to perform miracles. Yes. For by actions will those around us know that we are called children of God.