Okay.. so Ive been encouraged to write again.. I may as well write about the things my heart is considering and struggling with.
How to even start..
So my brother is getting married this weekend and I am going to be a part of his wedding. I am excited for the marriage but fighting my the reality of them living together before marriage, fully knowing that as a follower of Christ this is frowned upon.
My frustration goes further than this.. my parents allowed them to live under their roof together... Before marriage... My father is a Pastor!!!
I understand that my parents don't want to "push" Matthew away but having to attest to their actions before the throne of God will be much more a cause for concern..
This leads me back to the frustration that my parents did not confront me and dish out consequences when I was living a selfish life of sin.. I should have been kicked out of the house.. seriously.. My behavior was not acceptable..
Anyway this whole thing is bring up feelings of disappointment and cause me to wonder if my parents care more about maintain a "status quo friendly relationship" with my brother and I or do they actually care about the condition of our hearts making steps closer to Christ. Personally it feels like the former.. and that angers me. My relationship with them is crap compared to the questions form God I will attest to. Was there no warning??? Is that not the role of a parent...
I guess I really don't know.. Considering I have not been blessed to have that role..
Lord help me find contentment on this issue.. However please guard my heart from people who continue to tell me "Oh be happy where you are.." I don't want nor need that crap.. Lord you know my heart desires you, you know my heart desires to encourage a man and grow with him and raise a family. Lord you know many of my dreams have been wrapped around the desire for marriage.. You put them there!!
However Lord give me vision during this time that I feel lonely.. mend my heart of its pains and bitterness and help me to believe that you actually love me.. I've been dealt enough rejection, neglect and shafts. I know those are things you have not desired that I endure.. but Im struggling to see you for the loving, protecting, encouraging God that you are.. Wipe away the pain caused by men and show me your love.
