Questions in my mind

After being engulfed with the Hunger Games I take a break to question how the lives of the victims and those yet alive coincide with my own. What charecterists revealed throughout bring light in to who I portray myself to be. What nasty habits of my own are reviled and what seems to be the sources of my decisions to operate with such tones. Does this sense of being lied to penetrate throughout my being causing the same utter confusing chaos that dwells within the thought life of Katness? Does she really have a realization of what is even happening throughout her life? Do I know throughout mine? Such a loss of control. Such a sense of undeveloped boundaries of a person who does not know where she begins and ends. Who am I? What is me? What are my values? Do those things attach to other objects, things, beings? Again a out of control feeling. Do I have the ability to detach from those things that I value.. Am I supposed to? What is the point? I value things, people and objects.. but how do I know where I start and end? Do I even start and end, or are we all tied together in some mystic unbeknownst way...

Truth

The is, in fact, great freedom in not having to be first-- not in being late or in being left-- but in being free, in waiting and trusting. There is freedom when you are not afraid to be wronged, not afraid to be misunderstood, not afraid to be forgotten for the moment. When you can trust that being last doesn't mean you are bad or unloved. When your heart can trust that there is One defender of your reputation when you are maligned, One champion of your heart when you're misunderstood, One kinsman redeemer when you are wronged. Thant is true liberty and peace. Then you don't have to prove your point, be first off the plane, constantly defend your actions, or demand your rights. You are free to quietly trust.

"Keeping a Princess Heart" ~Nicole Johnson pg. 104

Letting go of people pleasing and letting God fill in the blanks of understanding. I dont have to allow people to understand me or put me into a convenient box.

Strife

Okay.. so Ive been encouraged to write again.. I may as well write about the things my heart is considering and struggling with.

How to even start..

So my brother is getting married this weekend and I am going to be a part of his wedding. I am excited for the marriage but fighting my the reality of them living together before marriage, fully knowing that as a follower of Christ this is frowned upon.

My frustration goes further than this.. my parents allowed them to live under their roof together... Before marriage... My father is a Pastor!!!

I understand that my parents don't want to "push" Matthew away but having to attest to their actions before the throne of God will be much more a cause for concern..

This leads me back to the frustration that my parents did not confront me and dish out consequences when I was living a selfish life of sin.. I should have been kicked out of the house.. seriously.. My behavior was not acceptable..

Anyway this whole thing is bring up feelings of disappointment and cause me to wonder if my parents care more about maintain a "status quo friendly relationship" with my brother and I or do they actually care about the condition of our hearts making steps closer to Christ. Personally it feels like the former.. and that angers me. My relationship with them is crap compared to the questions form God I will attest to. Was there no warning??? Is that not the role of a parent...

I guess I really don't know.. Considering I have not been blessed to have that role..
Lord help me find contentment on this issue.. However please guard my heart from people who continue to tell me "Oh be happy where you are.." I don't want nor need that crap.. Lord you know my heart desires you, you know my heart desires to encourage a man and grow with him and raise a family. Lord you know many of my dreams have been wrapped around the desire for marriage.. You put them there!!

However Lord give me vision during this time that I feel lonely.. mend my heart of its pains and bitterness and help me to believe that you actually love me.. I've been dealt enough rejection, neglect and shafts. I know those are things you have not desired that I endure.. but Im struggling to see you for the loving, protecting, encouraging God that you are.. Wipe away the pain caused by men and show me your love.