Some days I just feel like crying. My life is out of control. I have no plan. I feel like people are looking to me for answers and approval of things I can not give because I do not have the confidence to give them since I do not have the time to logically sit down and come up with a viable solution for the problems in life. Life just keeps getting more expensive. Even with living with a family helping us save money, money is still flying out of our hands... trying to stop that is like watching my husband tell me or even give me the look that I'm to much of a tightwad and I should just let it go and live. Then my daughter wanting every free second I have and watching everyone encourage her to walk to which will make my life even more difficult. I feel myself slipping into a depression and I don't know how to handle it. Counseling costs more money and feels just like I'm paying someone to be my friend and wasting that time that I would be with them... where I could be trying to catch up on laundry, trying to manage a budget, explaining to my family that we need to stop spending money(we really don't have the reserve of cash that everyone thinks we do), trying to figure out how to plan to replace a car we cant afford to replace and question a second job and wonder who would watch my daughter while I'm working. Yes, I know God can work it out. Please all your "Christian" Responses leave me alone. I know that God is there somewhere. Fine thats really fine. Yes youve told me that I dont trust God with things in my life. If you want to say thats true about me go ahead. I dont flippin care. Im to exhausted to care. Lord just please come and organize my life. Give me the life and hope I used to have. Right now all im looking forward to is being in the kingdom were I can finally just get some rest with no one to look upon me telling me what im doing is not good enough. I have nothing left to give. Im so tired, my brain no longer works.

Trivial

Not sure how to feel. Lord where are you I need your help.

I suppose I'll sleep tonight wondering if I've hurt my best friend. 

Questions in my mind

After being engulfed with the Hunger Games I take a break to question how the lives of the victims and those yet alive coincide with my own. What charecterists revealed throughout bring light in to who I portray myself to be. What nasty habits of my own are reviled and what seems to be the sources of my decisions to operate with such tones. Does this sense of being lied to penetrate throughout my being causing the same utter confusing chaos that dwells within the thought life of Katness? Does she really have a realization of what is even happening throughout her life? Do I know throughout mine? Such a loss of control. Such a sense of undeveloped boundaries of a person who does not know where she begins and ends. Who am I? What is me? What are my values? Do those things attach to other objects, things, beings? Again a out of control feeling. Do I have the ability to detach from those things that I value.. Am I supposed to? What is the point? I value things, people and objects.. but how do I know where I start and end? Do I even start and end, or are we all tied together in some mystic unbeknownst way...

Truth

The is, in fact, great freedom in not having to be first-- not in being late or in being left-- but in being free, in waiting and trusting. There is freedom when you are not afraid to be wronged, not afraid to be misunderstood, not afraid to be forgotten for the moment. When you can trust that being last doesn't mean you are bad or unloved. When your heart can trust that there is One defender of your reputation when you are maligned, One champion of your heart when you're misunderstood, One kinsman redeemer when you are wronged. Thant is true liberty and peace. Then you don't have to prove your point, be first off the plane, constantly defend your actions, or demand your rights. You are free to quietly trust.

"Keeping a Princess Heart" ~Nicole Johnson pg. 104

Letting go of people pleasing and letting God fill in the blanks of understanding. I dont have to allow people to understand me or put me into a convenient box.

Strife

Okay.. so Ive been encouraged to write again.. I may as well write about the things my heart is considering and struggling with.

How to even start..

So my brother is getting married this weekend and I am going to be a part of his wedding. I am excited for the marriage but fighting my the reality of them living together before marriage, fully knowing that as a follower of Christ this is frowned upon.

My frustration goes further than this.. my parents allowed them to live under their roof together... Before marriage... My father is a Pastor!!!

I understand that my parents don't want to "push" Matthew away but having to attest to their actions before the throne of God will be much more a cause for concern..

This leads me back to the frustration that my parents did not confront me and dish out consequences when I was living a selfish life of sin.. I should have been kicked out of the house.. seriously.. My behavior was not acceptable..

Anyway this whole thing is bring up feelings of disappointment and cause me to wonder if my parents care more about maintain a "status quo friendly relationship" with my brother and I or do they actually care about the condition of our hearts making steps closer to Christ. Personally it feels like the former.. and that angers me. My relationship with them is crap compared to the questions form God I will attest to. Was there no warning??? Is that not the role of a parent...

I guess I really don't know.. Considering I have not been blessed to have that role..
Lord help me find contentment on this issue.. However please guard my heart from people who continue to tell me "Oh be happy where you are.." I don't want nor need that crap.. Lord you know my heart desires you, you know my heart desires to encourage a man and grow with him and raise a family. Lord you know many of my dreams have been wrapped around the desire for marriage.. You put them there!!

However Lord give me vision during this time that I feel lonely.. mend my heart of its pains and bitterness and help me to believe that you actually love me.. I've been dealt enough rejection, neglect and shafts. I know those are things you have not desired that I endure.. but Im struggling to see you for the loving, protecting, encouraging God that you are.. Wipe away the pain caused by men and show me your love.

Joy

Ok, so Jim asked me to write about how the Royal Oak Vineyard Church has impacted my life.

Im not much for writing and for some reason I can write more clearly when I write on a post of some type, so here we go.

When I moved to Michigan I was simply longing for God to give me some direction.. I recall taking a walk with Dad and him sharing the wisdom that God sometimes let us choose the next step and meet us down what ever path we choose.

An opportunity opened up to move here with a place to live and a job to get me going. Next my prayer was that God provide me with a Church that I could feel at home and apart of. I had done my College Internship with a Vineyard so I searched for one here.

I first visited on the day of the Aids Walk and one of the Members practically introduced me to the entire Church, then asked me to pray for her with some other people. So I did. Then she invited me to come to an event that was going on the next weekend and offered to pay for my ticket.. So I went.

When I came to the Vineyard Church I was broken hearted, searching for healing and someone to understand me. God sent people to grab me and show me his love.
God handed me a home to live in, then provided for me when my circumstances changed.

I have lived in Michigan now for 2 1/2 years and since being here God has given me 4 homes to live in, 5 jobs, a ton of friends, a restored hope and confidence in myself that was lost and shattered, A deeper understanding of my value along with the ability to change my opinions about myself, but the best steps that God has made with me have been those that have been closer to him.

Before God formed me in my mothers womb, he knew me and He consecrated me.
Jeremiah 1:5.

I can stand secure in who I am, because I am loved.

I now feel like I can actually be the random, singing down the streets, playing football, walking with Jesus, dancing for no reason Michelle that has been hidden beneath my skin.

Lord I want more of your Joy in my life.
It is what I have been missing.

Thanks for the gift.
Hugs

The new day

Lord I don't really know what you are working in my life right now.
I am having a difficult time understanding what it means to to be loved.
I have been experiencing a kindness that I have never known and it is difficult to not be critical about those showing this kindness.
I find it ironic that I will give kindness until I can no longer stand but I have a hard time accepting it.

God I dont feel as if I deserve your love and I know I dont. I want love but I don't know what healthy love looks like. I have attachment issues. If I feel cared about by someone I will attach myself to them and value their opinions and warp my life around those opinions. God I have a hard time with the abstract view of you as a husband. I dont do well with abstract ideas. I need help to see you this way.

How do I stop attaching myself to things? How to I communicate with you letting go of the raw feeings that I need to decipher?

I dont know what to write and often times giving up simply sounds nice.
I dont want to do that Lord, I need some help. I know you have been giving it to me I just feel like I need to see our relationship in a different light. "O ye of little faith... I know I know I guess I dont have much to be asking for a sign...

Then again I am broken and crying.

Jericho and Valley of Ancor

So now Joshua is following Gods orders to march around the city of Jericho..
Not to fight but to march..

- I find it interesting that Joshua also told the Israelite's not to talk. They are not allowed to express their opinions about walking around a building. But they are to listen to directions.. Maybe even to God.. who may just in fact be confirming to the people as well that He is God and will deliver them..

But then what about the city of Jericho.. What could possibly be going through their minds.. The have these so-called Children of God walking around their city that have claimed that God will cause the city to fall to its knees.. The towns people are already afraid of the Isrealite's and have heard of the things God has done through them in the past. We know this because they attempted to chase after the Israelite spies and the woman Rahab they stayed with expressed the fear of the city.

Well we know that the People of Isrelite kept their mouths shut and the city fell to it knees.

How hard is it to just be quite and follow the Lord.. to simply watch Him do miracles through our obedience..

I'll let you ponder that one.

Joshua - faith and miracles.

I sit here amazed at the faith of Joshua, knowing and understanding that God is his shield protector and rock.

A while back I was sitting in my small group discussing the deep details of the old testament and how authors have tried to teach these things to children. Well I find it intriguing that really parents taught their children to memorize the old testament and we are afraid to even share the truth of it.

This insight led me to question why are we as adults afraid to share these things with our kids? Is it out of our own insecurities? Our own discomfort or even disbelief...

So in the passage I just finished reading Joshua is commanded by God. Well first off, what a privileged. That God would love man enough to give him direct directions..
For the majority of those who love God, we still have not been privileged to this amazing opportunity.. I wonder why is this?

Well first lets ask.. how was it that Joshua was appointed to his role in the first place.

As Moses' apprentice, Joshua was a major figure in all the events of the Exodus. He accompanied Moses part of the way when he ascended Mount Sinai to receive the Ten Commandments (Exd. 32:17). He was one of the twelve spies who were sent on by Moses to explore the land of Canaan (Num. 13:16, 17), and only he and Caleb gave an encouraging report, a reward for which would be that only these two of the spies would enter the promised land (Num 14:23-24). He was commander at their first battle after exiting Egypt, against the Amalekites in Rephidim (Ex. 17:8-16), in which they were victorious. ~~ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joshua

So Joshua, an apprentice of Moses, he was very likely to have been a man that Moses talked with frequently about the way that God had set before them. So it really makes sense that God would have Moses appoint a man who had been been shown and taught to hear and bear witness to will of God.

So is this why we as everyday people are not assigned to take on these miraculous fetes? Or are we really just not listening?

Could God be calling us into miracles?

Well then the question here stands.. Would a God of our universe send a son to perform what we would inevitably call a miracle and then bluntly tell us to go and make disciples.. and also that we have the power to cast out sickness in the name of Jesus and He desires that we do so.

18Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in[a] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." - Matthew 28: 18-20

15He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation. 16Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. 17And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; 18they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well."
19After the Lord Jesus had spoken to them, he was taken up into heaven and he sat at the right hand of God. 20Then the disciples went out and preached everywhere, and the Lord worked with them and confirmed his word by the signs that accompanied it.
-- Mark 16 :15-19

So do we have the passage to perform miracles. Yes. For by actions will those around us know that we are called children of God.

Wowie

So tonight I went to Church.. I love Church. Wowie did God speak to me tonight.. There were so many things tonight.

But Last week at Church the pastor talked about making declarations and annointings.

He reminded us that "The same annointing you have recieved remains within you"!
Wow..

Then "If you go stand and declare, I will back you up"!

Keeping that these things are declared in the name and will of Jesus.

Then to add that "Any and all hinderances that Satan attempts to bind over me have been cast out and lifted from me."

Durring the ending prayer of This > last weeks service I continued to see the picture of and feel a box over my head and shoulders that was locked upon me and I could not lift.
So after the service I had the Pastor pray it be lifted. And it was.. :)

So this week we had a guest speaker I don't recall his name but wowie powerful..

He spoke about the power of radio waves and music, he brought up the point that before satan was cast out from the heavens that he was a lead worshiper.. He used music to decieve and sway a third of the angels to follow him..

This totally explains why I am so influenced by the music I listen to.. Satan controls a large part of it.. I let that into my mind.. thus allowing Satan to have influence on my thoughts...

A few years ago I wrote a paper on the power of music but only after I spent an entire year getting myself unaddicted to noise... Trust me it wasn't easy. I went one week with music/ entertainment and one week with - as long as it was positive...
After this experiment I realized that my attitude began to change. I could hear God speaking to me during my weeks of and also during my weeks on because I was filling the time with positive messages.

Anyway The speaker also posed a few questions to us.

First off... What am I afraid of that I don't allow myself to draw close to God?
~ what a good question..
I know some of the things that God has planned for my future and I very much look forward to them but I find myself stuck in the here and now as if I'm waiting for Him to give me the go light.

Then he moved on the explination of different frequencies of radio waves.. Expaining that all to often we find ouselves on the am station.. It works but it is a poor quality.. We hear God but allow there to be static..

Why are we afraid to take the faith and let go of our budgets and move up to fm (in the sense that we own the station and are expanding) Yes it costs more but it is a more solid connection with Christ! --- Do we not want this???

It is time to expand the radio dial and move out of the "safety" frequency.

Later he also posed another question..

Am I what I've been through or Am I what I'm becoming?
~ Meaning am I letting the past decide who I am in the present.
Pushing on to say that I need to value myself the way that God values me.
>>>> Totally a Kudos to Nic... Love you man.. I do need to see myself as a pleasing sight to my God and others. I am a beautiful creation in the eyes of my beholder. Now I need to continually convince myself of this truth. I am choosing to accept this now. (Don't let me forget this or fall backwards)

I am also standing for the fact that I need to write my dreams and visions more often to keep them clear in my mind.

Also I need to step out and uncover the areas of my life where passiveness have taken control of me..
These being Reading my Bible and remaining healthy..also tracking my finances.. Three that have been revealed to me anyway...

I am choosing to take a step to say that Satan you have no control to keep me passive in these areas of my life. I am standing up for myself in that God will back me up.. This is a declaration I am becoming active..

One of the other things this speaker spoke about is looking like a fool..
Well I don't care if I look like an idiot. I know my heart.. I know my God.. If you don't know me well, well you don't know me well.. if this is so you have no idea where I am in life therefor you have no right to interject an opinion over the things that God is revealing to me.. Or even the fact that God talks to me in the first place.. You don't have to believe that He talks to me.. I know He does and that is that.

So in this case I do look like a fool for believing in a God that speaks to me that so many become offended by.. When they dont even believe He exists in the first place..

Now tell me if you believed God exists why are you not talking to Him.. More-so if you do believe and are questioning Him talking to me... are you really sure that you have truly accepted Christ?? If so I am positive there would be no hope for denying His existence...

You have you just denied passage of God's spirit to infiltrate your soul... This would cause you to be unable to hear God speaking to you..

Just a thought to chew on..

Anyway, what I got from tonight was an amazing enlightenment to what God is truly doing in my life. I need to take the steps of Faith ~ "Steps that come to take us into the next dimension" ( we are 3 dimensional and God is in the 4th dimension. ) Walking by faith takes us into the 4th dimension.

I want to remain consistently in the 4th dimension.. this requires actively taking steps of faith and continually seeking out opportunities for God's love to be shared. I need help on this.. Please encourage me!

With all these things. Please encourage me. Wowie God is good.

~With Love
Michelle

Finding God in Me...

So I just had an interesting revelation..

Listening to music.. Imagine that. God speaks through music.

The last month or two has been interesting in the aspect of my emotions and my heart reaching out to another but yet pulling back and praying about the circumstances and coming to a point where I realize that actually putting my heart out in this circumstance would be devastating to me and the other involved.

Praise God first of all for that revelation.

But that's not the recent revelation.

Yesterday this person said something that just hit me now..
I've questioned whether or not this is the case, but this particular things makes me feel that my suspicion is yet being confirmed.

So yesterday I got a few text messages from this person.

other person says (9:43 AM)
Michelle .. I fee; like I'm falling apart.. My life is going great, but something very important is missing.. 12:50

Me
Seek out the thing thats missing. 12:53

other person says (9:43 AM)
It wasn't missing when I was with you... 1:01

Me
Have you talked to your pastor about it? 1:04

other person says 9:43 AM)
My answer to that question hasnt changed 1:05

Me
I dont know how to reply. 1:16

other person says (9:43 AM)
Youve asked me that question 3 times this week.. I live three cities away from church. Its not the kind of situation where I can just go whenever I want
1:16

Me
I wouldnt know that 1:18

Me
all I know is that would be who I would turn to 1:19

other person says (9:43 AM)
yeah well.. the guy id prefer turn to hasnt been around lately. 1:23



Thats where the convo ended.

I care about this person but I feel that he is trying to find something thats missing through me. It seems that He knows I have something and he felt it when he was with me, and is being tricked to think that the thing he is missing is me.
Its not. It Jesus. Jesus has so infiltrated my life that he was able to feel closer to Jesus when he was with me.

Out of love I cannot let him live his life through me.

The song Found by Hillsong United

Verse 1
Amazing love
Now what else shall I need
Your name brings life
It's more than the air I breathe

Verse 2
My world was changed
When Your love You gave for me
My purpose found
And all that You want for me

Chorus
And I found myself in You
And I found myself in You

Verse 3
Amazing love
Now what else shall I need
Your name brings life
It's more than the air I breathe

Bridge
Take me to a place
Where I can see You face to face
And all I want to do
All I want to do
Is worship You


I feel like he is trying to find God through me.
I pray he will one day understand why I am saying no.

Lord help him truly know that it is You he needs and not me.
I love you Jesus. Come to me in Your ways unknown.
Amen. So Be It. Be It So.
~Michelle

Posting a convo with a friend.

:):) I feel like I'm about to cry.. I really don't know why.. It seems like everytime I am around more family than usual I become over sensitive..
9:57pmNicholas

there are times in out lives where we have to face certain things that we dont want to face.
9:58pmMichelle

It's moreso the how that gets me.
9:58pmNicholas

for you, you would have never delt with these issues if you were in iowa because they would never be raised you would be there and in your loving heart because you only know how to love you would never question the issues
9:58pmMichelle

I was raised in Iowa...
9:59pmNicholas

only way to do face them is head on in prayer and with questions to those who they are about

opps lol the questions would never be raised there hun
9:59pmMichelle

Tis true.. they were ignored.
10:00pmNicholas

mybe ignored but more so i htink you want to see the good so bad and you refuse to see the bad on any one so often that you honestly dont see bad things some times
10:01pmMichelle

yea..

Or I want to love someone so much I ignore the pain it causes me.
10:02pmNicholas

yes you do

however

i am about to tell you somehting very important

in our life there comes a point when we have to stop taking care of everyone else and take care of ourself and you have reached that point. time to stop thinking of what everyone else wants and decide what you want
10:04pmMichelle

I want my family to come past their differences and learn to just love one another.
10:06pmMichelle

I want to know that my Parents my brother, my uncle and aunt in Cedar Rapids and my uncle and aunt in Jesup are no longer Left out of the relational circle that is my family.
10:07pmMichelle

That when we come together we come together to see how God is working in all of our lives.. not ignoring our different beliefs.. but instead allowing ourselves to both attend eachothers Churches and encouraging each other to continually grow closer to Christ..

Not in a particular manner. But just growing closer to Christ.

Then Also learning to love one another by sharing personal memories together.. For example. Going bowling together.. I know the majority of my family would be up for that..

Randomly having a movie night.. Dinner together..

and so on.
10:10pmNicholas

hmmm

yes but in all of that it was all about them and nothing about you that is still putting everyone ahead of yourself
10:11pmMichelle

unity.. its the desire of my soul.
10:12pmNicholas

yes i know that

in all your life i have ever only known you to do things for other people even when we were home the people you saw while home was for their bennifit not you own that is wha ti am talking about

you live for others sometimes you just have to live for you hin

hun*
10:14pmMichelle

Often times I find that to be selfish of myself.
10:15pmNicholas

in some cases yes it is selfishness that drives us and we have to correct our attitudes in that but other times it is what saves us from going batty and other times it isnt selfish at all but rather what needs to be done
10:18pmMichelle

..
10:19pmNicholas

not everything we do for ourselves is sefish hun some f it just is

i mean it isnt selfish to take a shower or brush your teeh or eat

so why is it selfish to take care of our emtions and mental health?
10:20pmMichelle

but how..
10:21pmNicholas

how is it not selfish?
10:21pmMichelle

how do I handle them..
10:22pmNicholas

handle what ?
10:22pmMichelle

the only way I've ever really done that is to talk about it. Play my guitar.. become reserved to the point where people question what is going on with me..

Or the most common.. attempt to ignor them and let them blow up later.
10:24pmNicholas

well in this case you need to ask the people involved why
10:25pmMichelle

Ive been praying about that for years.

I want to know. Why do I feel such a disconnect. Its not right.
10:26pmNicholas

no its not right and untill you tell those people you feel it about you will never be at peace about and your never giving them the chace to explain and ask for forgivness
10:27pmMichelle

There is a reason for me being who I am today. I don't want to blame anyone. I only want to be able to change the course of our relationships for the future.
10:29pmNicholas

yes and talking to them is the first step
10:29pmMichelle

Then when and the how is the interesting step.
10:38pmNicholas

well the sooner the better and i would say just lay it out
10:38pmMichelle

Check out my page..
10:38pmNicholas

blog?
10:38pmMichelle

the last to people to make comments are my aunt and my cousin..
10:39pmNicholas

ok
10:39pmMichelle

my aunt is one of my relatives I have felt pushed away by..
10:39pmNicholas


the comments to me seem suoerfical yet honest in the fact tey suck at showing it
10:47pmMichelle

I'm not finished yet..
10:48pmNicholas

i was talking about theres hun not yours
10:49pmMichelle

ah
10:50pmNicholas

your thoughts are very geuniuen theres just read as a suerfical o come on you know we love you

kind of statement
10:50pmMichelle

yea...
10:51pmNicholas

i say best plan of attack is to just walk right up to them and say hey why do you treat so and so like this yet me like this and do you know it made me feel this way
10:52pmMichelle

Its not just me.

I'm just the one who knows that I have the strength to do it.
10:53pmNicholas

well get over it and do it anyways :):) you can borrow mine fr that conversation :):)
10:53pmMichelle

I don't really see that approach smoothing over so well.

So far.. my family knows there are problems that lie under the surface.. they are all to scared to say anything
10:54pmNicholas

well there is an issue you want to smooth over rather than deal with the issue
10:54pmMichelle

they dont want to make the divide larger
10:54pmNicholas

did Jesus smooth anything over or did he hit it on the head with a tem ton hammer
10:55pmMichelle

Not necessarrally.. but how did he handle speaking to the Pharicies..

he was strait up.. but also very careful how and where he said things
10:55pmNicholas

striaght and to the point

he didnt hide his intent

i dont think a public market was a very safe place to say things
10:56pmMichelle

Currently.. nor am I.. I am stating it in my reply to Wendy's question.

This way she has no ability to mis-interperate my words. they are written in black and white.

She can not minipulate it.
10:57pmNicholas

hehe using honest words although might offend some is the way Jeus did it
10:57pmMichelle

But at the same time she is learning of my concern

this will allow her the ability to sit down and think also about the things I am actually saying.
10:58pmNicholas

is the greek when he called them all a brud of vipers he litterally called them snake bastards and in the culture who your ather was, was everything and to be abstard was really bad
10:58pmMichelle

it will force her to listen.
10:58pmNicholas

indeed it will
10:59pmMichelle

Wendy is a person with whom it is difficult to get a word in..

Knowing this... Writing things out is most likely the best approach for her to contemplate things.
10:59pmNicholas

good deal

did you see what i wrote a few lines ago
11:00pmMichelle

brood of snakes

..
11:00pmNicholas

hehe

yep

snake bastards

i dont think that was the nicest thing to say in that culture in fact i think it might be = to calling a women a ho
11:02pmMichelle

tis true.. but he was also speaking the minds of many common people. Thefore relating to the general public

in a sense..

I hope you don't feel I am taking that our of context.
11:03pmNicholas

it may have been common thought yes so in the same way it might be a common thought between other members of your fam but they dont have the guts to say anything about it
11:04pmMichelle

Currently I don't feel that it is the right time to bring everything out into the open.

Yes I have spoken to most of them seperately but not about the same issues..

Yes they may thing my parents were bad parents and neglected us... but really.. is it not hurt people who hurt people..

It is deeper than my parents.. and really My parents and I have come to know and love each other.. it is an ever maturing process but still its coming.

Then it comes to the family and I see it growing worse..
11:07pmNicholas

yes

that is no good

in the end family is what matters i say they pull their heads out of the sand and deal with it
11:08pmMichelle

you say...
11:09pmNicholas

yes i say

lol
11:09pmMichelle

But what will allow them to address the issues at hand.. aside from being confronted individually.. then discussing these things and then coming together or compromise or better yet attempt to change the behavior for future growth.
11:09pmNicholas

because i have seen to many people not do that and it tears them up inside

hmmm

i find that the more public the less they can dodge the issue at hand
11:10pmMichelle

but one also has to be aware of the issue to address it.

If I were to address it that way then I to would also make them feel condemned.. just by the way I would have presented it.

This way I have sharing my feelings on a dormant stage allowing for them to ask the questions..
11:11pmNicholas

that is a possible out come indeed
11:12pmMichelle

There is no way to reach the first outcome this way
11:12pmNicholas

life is hard and family issues dont help any. if the issues are as prevalent as you claim then they know about them and the best thing to do is talk to them and get them to admit they want change and find a comprimise

talking on an individal bases might be the first step

just like matthew lays out
11:13pmMichelle

:):)
11:14pmNicholas

them first

then two

then the church

in your case

you first

then one other fam member willing to stand up with you

and then everyone
11:15pmMichelle

I know some of my family members have also been hurt by this and have been praying for the same revival I have.
11:15pmNicholas

see God has already set up the support system for you
11:15pmMichelle

I know.

:):)
11:16pmNicholas

:):) and i am here fo ryou
11:16pmMichelle

He is strong when I am weak.

11:16pmNicholas

indeed He is

you ever listen to Bebo Norman?
11:17pmMichelle

yep
11:17pmNicholas

well Borrow mine is from me to you right now

your weak im strong lets walk throuhg it together
11:18pmMichelle

:):)
11:19pmNicholas

i love you and will always do my best to support you
11:19pmMichelle

:):)

Now is where the big question comes in..

the next post..
11:22pmNicholas

brb
11:23pmMichelle

kk
11:25pmNicholas is offline.
11:27pmNicholas is online.
11:30pmNicholas

ok

im back
11:31pmMichelle

Yay.. Do you mind If I post some of our convo..

on my Blogger..
11:31pmNicholas

no prob
11:31pmMichelle

:):)
11:31pmNicholas

i love you sweet heart you know this rigt?
11:31pmMichelle

I like to keep my thoughts current in a place I trust.

Yes I do know you love me.

:):)
11:31pmNicholas

:):)

good

so i say this in love
11:32pmMichelle

I hope that last post.. comes out strong but not as a turn off..
11:32pmNicholas

finish your post turn off your computer and go spend time with Jeus

JEsus

*
11:32pmMichelle

:):)

Thats one of the huge reasons I love you
11:33pmNicholas

time for me to take my leave :):)

lol
11:33pmMichelle

You tell me to spend more time with My Savior..
11:33pmNicholas

hehehe
11:33pmMichelle

what more is there... really?
11:33pmNicholas

i just know it works

not much more
11:33pmMichelle

:):)

Michelle pushes nick into the snow.. then pulls him up only to jump on him giving him a huge hug.. then making us both fall in the snow..
11:34pmNicholas

lol i love it
11:34pmMichelle

Thatswas a good hug..
11:34pmNicholas

it was
11:34pmMichelle

That*
11:35pmNicholas

well hugs
11:35pmMichelle

Yay!!
11:35pmNicholas

lov eyou

im gonna leave you to Jesus now
11:35pmMichelle

:):)
11:35pmNicholas

talk to you tomorrow
11:35pmMichelle

:):)
11:39pmNicholas is offline.

Honest.. I hope my family actually address's this.

Michelle is beginning to face represed memories of my childhood... Was I actually loved by my family or just tollerated? 12:26am - Comment

Ryan Webster at 12:44am January 26

Don't be silly! You've been loved by many! I'm sure that included your family. I mean, at the very least look at your bro, Matt!

Michelle Burns at 12:56am January 26

I was speaking more in reference to my extended family. There are a lot of things that make me question.
Possibly adding to the reason I had and at times still have such a low self-esteem. I know my parents and brother love me.. I don't question that at all. I also have close friends that are like brothers to me, but for some of my family it has seemed as if their love for me is conditional.

Who is to say I will ever find the answers, but hey why not be honest about my feelings. More often than not, God uses the way I feel to become a testimony to many others.

I love my Savior and that will not change. I know very well that Jesus loves me. But truly how many people have felt neglected and ignored by their families..

I very well know I was one of many. Just now the questions arise.. Why?

Wendi Roed at 2:19pm January 26

I hope you don't really think that. Of course your family - all of us - love you unconditionally! I know we don't always show it or say it, but we do! We're not the best at that I know. What repressed memories are you talking about?

Kristen Rene'e Roed at 7:08pm January 26

We all love you shell.But sometimes we all just dont show it.But there is one person that will never stop loving you for sure at that is me.I will never ever stop loving you even if we are apart.I will do what ever it takes to even talk to you.
Michelle Burns at 10:24pm January 26
I love you Kristen. You have no idea how much of a life saver you have been to me. I love you sweetie. I hope that I have been able to show you that in a very real way. God has placed you in my life for a very special purpose. Any time you hit a rough spot in life you know you can come talk to me. I will be honest with you. I have no reason not to be. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are worth less than you are. Its a lie. You are a Princess. A Daughter of Christ. You are the Bride of Christ. You are precious.

And as far as your question Wendy, there are a lot of things that I fight with myself about. Over the last few years, I have really been taking time getting to know why I do the things I do and pointing out the things that have really shaped my life.

I have drawn remarkably close to Christ in the last year. I do want to thank you for the book you gave me at my graduation party. You have no idea how God has used that to really believe that I have been hearing his voice.


Michelle Burns at 10:36pm January 26
I know very well that God has big plans for my life. Part of the process that will allow those plans to be fulfilled requires me to look upon the things that have made me me and seek out Jesus to heal the parts of my heart that have been broken, bruised and neglected.

Those things are happening and have been happening in my life for a while. When I look back into my childhood, I see a little girl who had really no self-esteem, who was torn to shreds by her classmates and didn't seem to fit in about everywhere I went.

After accepting Christ in High School, I began to see that others shared the same pain that I struggled with, so I decided instead of making their lives more difficult I will allow others to talk to me honestly and openly and that maybe by God's grace others will intern show me the love that I try to show them.

Occasionally this occurs, but for the most part not. Sometimes people take advantage of my ability to love them and try to fill their need for love through me

Michelle Burns at 10:51pm January 26

I have learned that I can not let people drain me. It leaves me completly alone and shattered all over again. But part of my question is why was I ever shattered in the first place?

So yea, mom is a bit passive.. So more than a bit passive.. But why is she passive?

There has to be some reason?
What was it that caused my mother to be passive?
In all of her relationship that intern caused her to be passive in raising her children...

Then Dad.. Why is it so difficult for him to show emotion?
Yes he is male, I understand that.. but why is it so difficult..

Is it that it hurts him to think about things past in regards to the things I am going through..

But even so regardless of my parents... With whom I am now much closer and share a very loving relationship with.. Thanks to a deep desire to truly know that my parents and my brother know that I love them.

Michelle Burns at 11:27pm January 26

Then it comes to the rest of the family.. I pray you truly know I love each and every one of you.

I do however question why it seems that my family has well for the most part always been the last to know everything that happens within the family...

Honestly had it not been for Kristen telling us things.. Well often times we would never have known anything that was happening at all.

For instance... My family was shocked to hear that Andra was married.. We didn't even know she was in a relationship...
And if we did, we didn't know for very long before hand.

Why has there been such a disconnect between all of us?

I want to know..

Is it because we possibly have different views when it comes to the Bible... Is that why it is so rare to actually encourage one another in their relationships with Christ when we are all together as a family... Should we not be rejoicing with one another the ways that God has been continually working in all of our lives.. And praying for one another.




This was taken from my Facebook.

Michelle is beginning to face represed memories of my childhood... Was I actually loved by my family or just tollerated?

So today... Yesterday (Sunday) was my aunts birthday..

The night before I learn that my uncle would like me to join the family for a celebration of her birthday. I think that is fine..

Unfortunately for me they are having brunch at 12 noon.. (In the middle of when I have Church on Sunday at the Royal Oak Vineyard)

Not much of a problem aside from the fact that I feel that I am being drained of my ability to attend Church with the people who help me feel spiritually alive.
My Savior only knows how much I miss them.

I have not truly been apart of an entire service/ opportunity to be immersed in the spirit at Church for over a month and a half..


Well that is one thing.. The reason this bugs me so is the fact that there is a strong disconnect between my values and some particular family members values when it comes to "Church" Long story short for now these family members believe that it is imperative to "Keep the Sabbath" in other words Church should be on Saturday.
This leaves me feeling unwelcome to attend the Vineyard.. A place I feel loved and connected with the holy spirit.. without feeling judged... This also leaves me feeling quite awkward every time I attend their "Sabbath Service" I don't feel right about it at all. In fact often times I feel more condemned than anywhere I have ever been before.

One of my major reasons for moving to Detroit was to find out why my household - Mom Dad Brother and Myself have become so separated from the family.. Honestly it almost feels as if we have been segregated... One belief vs. another... one stating "These things are true and you are not following them." and the other "What is the difference Jesus tells us to love one another"

This goes back before I was even born.. Why is there such a disconnect?

It goes to the point to say that My family-- Mom Dad Brother and Myself... Did not know my aunt was even in a relationship... (it was quite long time.. close to 2 years) but then learned at a family reunion that she was now married.....

My family has been left out of so many things... Why? Why do we not seem to be important enough to be informed of major life changing events that occur in our own family?


So my uncle has not necessarily been batting me but asking me a lot of questions that cause me to think of why I am the way I am..

Honestly I didn't feel very loved when I was growing up... I had very low self-esteem.

Often times it seems as if the conversation leads back to my parents not doing a very good job of loving me or my brother as children.

Well later that night a memory came back to me that quite speaks to that above statement.

He invited me to a lunch for my aunt on the next day. I told him I was teaching with the children at my Church.. It was almost as if he was about to freak out on me asking if I forgot about Andra's birthday... In reality it came to my attention within the week but still was not a big deal to me.

The last time I ever recall having anything special happen for me on my birthday was when I was like 6... No big deal.. its just another day..

Steve looked at me puzzled and asked really? I said yea... whats the big deal..
It almost seemed foreign the thought to him not to celebrate a birthday...

Back to that statement earlier..

Often times it seems as if the conversation leads back to my parents not doing a very good job of loving me or my brother as children.

Well in reality... I know there are areas in my parents parenting in which they could have showed us they loved us (my brother and I) more. I do know they love us, but in many ways they hurt us...

But why??

Well I believe that hurt people, hurt people...

So how much help did my parents really have in raising me?

How often did my family reach out to be a part of our lives?

Why is it that every time I actually learned something about my family was after a deliberate search and attempt to find specific answers..

I don't recall being told I was loved. Being given special gifts symbolizing love for me..

I don't recall...

Why?


Then to feel as if I need to belong to a specific "Church" to belong...
Man my family was so excited that I went to the Feast of Tabernacles... To me it almost seemed that in their eyes I was finally taking a step towards God..

Well anyone who knows me knows that God is my true Father and Creator.. I will not forget that..

Why would I only be taking "a Step" ...

Is this love conditional?
Why?


Please explain to me why I should even question these things in the first place..
Let alone cry over them..

Nor think about them every time one of my cousins has a birthday party and is showered with gifts from everyone..

why?

Why are my brother and I not treated the same?

Why?

The Talk

So on Saturday, before my convo with my Dad!! I had written a letter.. this letter explained my how I felt about a relationship direction with a good friend... A man I love..

I do love him, but honestly neither one of us are ready for a relationship and drawing out feelings for one another when neither one of us are ready will ultimately cause a downfall. I truly hope he will one day understand the reasoning behind me writing that letter.

Also to go along with that.. I do not know where his relationship with Christ is. If his relationship with Christ is not closer or at the same level as mine, a relationship with him will ultimately cause my relationship with Christ to diminish and will then ultimately ruin our relationship together. (Past experience)

To go along with that same point.. If my relationship with Christ is closer than my husbands it will cause me to become the head of the house... I will be ever encouraging him to draw closer and he will trust my descriptions above his own.
Not good. I want to know that my husband will be the head of our marriage, (making the final decisions) but allow for my input and ask it regularly. No I do not want a man to control me, and nor to I want a husband who thinks he needs my advice for every decision in our marriage. (that would be passive- reliant upon) As I said earlier I need a man who can make decision that lead us ever closer to the foot of the Cross.

That said, this letter needed to be spoken.

I hope one day maybe this good friend will be that man. I do not know. Regardless, I will always love him, but may not choose a life with him. God only knows what the future will bring.

My main hope and concern is that no man attempt to be a man that I would desire outside truthfulness and honesty. If you attempt to be a Godly man to become closer to me.. I pray that my family wards me off that unGodly path sooner than later. Amen. So Be It. Be It So.

So this is how the conversation went.. well the parts that matter..


Me says (6:55 PM):
... that was hot... I think I burnt my tounge..
Him says (6:56 PM):
aww
Him says (6:58 PM):
need me to kiss it and make it all better?
Me says (6:58 PM):
....
Him says (6:59 PM):
hehe
Me says (6:59 PM):
That would be a bad Idea..
Him says (7:00 PM):
why would you say that?
Me says (7:00 PM):
Because we both agree that it is not the right time for a relationship..
Me says (7:01 PM):
Honestly I think that encouraging those feelings is really dangerous right now.
Him says (7:01 PM):
maybe
Me says (7:02 PM):
how do you feel about it?
Him says (7:02 PM):
honestly? i don't know
Him says (7:02 PM):
there's a lot i don't know right now
Him says (7:03 PM):
my roomie is leaving in a month.. i don't know what i'm gonna do about this place
Him says (7:03 PM):
my job just plain doesn't pay enough, and i don't know what to do about that
Him says (7:03 PM):
i do know i love you... but i don't know what to do about it, if anything
Me says (7:04 PM):
k
Him says (7:05 PM):
k?
Me says (7:06 PM):
I don't know how to really reply.
Him says (7:06 PM):
say what you're think
Him says (7:06 PM):
ing*
Me says (7:07 PM):
I have thought about it a lot and know how I feel, but I don't think that will necessarraly help you.
timeshifter says (7:07 PM):
so tell me
Me says (7:08 PM):
give me a min.
Me says (7:16 PM):
hey let me answer that in a few min. my grandparents will be here in a min.
Him says (7:16 PM):
take your time.. no rush


== Back to finish..


Me says (8:19 PM):
There are sometimes I very much dislike telling people how I feel..
Him says (8:20 PM):
why?
Me says (8:20 PM):
but I love you and will do so anyway..
Me says (8:20 PM):
that statement and what I'm about to tell you will prolly confuse the crap out of you..

The following message could not be delivered to all recipients:
But the fact that the thoughts continue to arise and with wisdom from close friends whom I know truly care about me, this is what I feel needs to be said.

Him says (8:22 PM):
so spit it out
Me says (8:23 PM):
But the fact that the thoughts continye to arise and with wisdom from close friends whom I know truly care about me, this is what I feel needs to be said.
Me says (8:24 PM):
I wrote this on saturday and I'm going to break it up.
Me says (8:24 PM):
I don't know where your faith is and that scares me.
Mesays (8:25 PM):
I want to say that to start... Nor do I know what you believe when it comes down to things... So I hope that you will talk to me honestly about how you feel about the letter after I start and finish sending it.
Him says (8:26 PM):
k...
Me says (8:26 PM):
I need to let you go. We need to break the soul ties between us. I feel as if they are distracting both of us from the places God wants us to be at in this stage in each of our lives. I honestly do not know what will happen in either one of our futures, but in reality we both agree that in the present time neither one of us are ready for a committed relationship, but neither one of us has taken a
Me says (8:26 PM):
step to cease the dwelling feelings or emotions that tie us together. That is not good and needs to happen.
Me says (8:26 PM):
I can not leave my heart nor yours on hold. I feel that on the ride home our heart were awakened to the possibility of a future; and was then encouraged by one another, but it was awakened at the wrong time. Therefore it needs to be placed back in a dormant state. The only way that I believe this can be accomplished is by breaking the soul ties between us.
Me says (8:26 PM):
When God awakens our hearts within His will whether to one another or not, He will make it clear that it is His timing and is within His will.
Me says (8:27 PM):
God has promised me blessings beyond measure and I will not settle for less.

It would be wise that either one of us no longer discuss earthly desires to be intimate with the other, nor provoke those desire out of the other. All of these need to be cut off.
However, these can be replaced with a desire to encourage one another to walk in the ways of the Lord.



Me says (8:29 PM):
Please be honest with me....
Him says (8:29 PM):
k
Him says (8:30 PM):
i understand
Me says (8:31 PM):
what are you thinking?
Him says (8:32 PM):
didn't see it coming
Me says (8:32 PM):
... and...
Him says (8:34 PM):
ok
Him says (8:34 PM):
i don't know what else to say
Me says (8:36 PM):
I want the best for you. I feel that right now we are ultimately hurting eachother.
Me says (8:36 PM):
I don't know if you Love me or if you are in Love with me.
Him says (8:37 PM):
probably both
Me says (8:38 PM):
I think it would be best to stay friends for now and let God move the way he does.
Him says (8:38 PM):
--This was a smiley
Me says (8:38 PM):
-- one back
Me says (8:39 PM):
-- Hugging arms--
Him says (8:39 PM):
-- Hugging arms back--
Me says (8:39 PM):
-- another smile--



I honestly do not know how he feels about me writing this all out.. But truthfully this blog began as a place in which I could post my true feelings regardless of who read them. So I will choose to keep this mans name out of this blog to save face for him.


I very much appreciate the fact that he has been completly honest with me. Well at least to my knowledge. He has really no reason to lie to me and if he did I would have a few sources to verify things that didn't add up anyway..
Not that I even think I will ever have to. I have always trusted him.. Don't really know why.. I just do. That goes with the way I feel about him too.. I love him.. Don't really know why.. I just do.

But regardless.. It is far more important to me that my husband consistently has close fellowship with Christ our King and will actively invite me to be involved in an ever flowing walk with Christ as one body.

honestly..

So the question arises...
Are we to take the bible literally?

Let your yes be yes and your no be no.

37Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.~ Matthew 5:37 ~ NIV

With that how would you respond to this next statement Jesus makes? How do I respond.. Not always the way I should..

Anyway. A question to ponder..

27-30"To you who are ready for the truth, I say this: Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer for that person. If someone slaps you in the face, stand there and take it. If someone grabs your shirt, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it. If someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously.

31-34"Here is a simple rule of thumb for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them! If you only love the lovable, do you expect a pat on the back? Run-of-the-mill sinners do that. If you only help those who help you, do you expect a medal? Garden-variety sinners do that. If you only give for what you hope to get out of it, do you think that's charity? The stingiest of pawnbrokers does that.

35-36"I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You'll never—I promise—regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we're at our worst. Our Father is kind; you be kind.

37-38"Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. Don't condemn those who are down; that hardness can boomerang. Be easy on people; you'll find life a lot easier. Give away your life; you'll find life given back, but not merely given back—given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity."

39-40He quoted a proverb: "'Can a blind man guide a blind man?' Wouldn't they both end up in the ditch? An apprentice doesn't lecture the master. The point is to be careful who you follow as your teacher.

41-42"It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this I-know-better-than-you mentality again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your own part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor. ~ Luke 6: 27-42 ~ The Message



We are supposed to pray for those who hurt us.. for those that frustrate us.. get on our nerves...

How well do we really handle people who are hard to love? Do we take the time to pray for them and love them or are we so wrapped up in ourselves that we hold our hands in front of our own eyes.. blocking out any ability to see God's love for that so-called difficult to love person? Who is to say that that person is not an angel in disguise?

Has anyone ever called you an angel?
Why not?

Moving on..
If someone slaps you.. Take it.

Wow.. don't we in reality get defensive and attempt to gain justice by force...
If you are being abused, you need to get out but do not take vengeance. God tells us plainly "Vengeance is mine"


Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. ~ Romans 12:19-21 (Not Positive)

Help and give without expecting a return. -- This is truly a calling on our lives. We are to be servants.

Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. Don't condemn those who are down; that hardness can boomerang. Be easy on people; you'll find life a lot easier. Give away your life; you'll find life given back, but not merely given back—given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity."

--- I want to live a generous life. There is no need to be critical of others, only to encourage others to seek out their relationship with the Lord.
What? Is there something more important?


Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.
--- Who do we honestly think we are? We are no better than anyone else.. we are all sinners. Some of us redeemed by grace.. others on their way to finding grace..
Why should we judge (hinder) anyone for lack of faith in Christ when maybe God has not completly revealed Himself to that person yet... Why do we judge?

God is working in everyone.. not everyone except you..

Alright..

So a friend of mine left a tag on her facebook that I found very profound.

"The longer you think, the less you know what to do."

I can't get over how true that is.. Its the most profound thing I have come across all day..
Its like so true..
I know there are some things I need to do and the longer I wait the harder it gets.. but at the same time it doesn't seem as if it is the right time to do them... then it gets harder...

Vicious circle.

Lord help me know your timing for these things.

Amen

I'm really glad I started writing this!

So its been a while...
Hmm.. an update..
I had a really great convo with my dad today..
Its been absolutely amazing to be witness to a change in the way my father and I have communicated in the past couple years.

I absolutely love it. After talking with him today I feel as if I am again the little girl who used to follow him around wanting him to hold me. I love that feeling and have longed for it for many years. I love my dad.

Its amazing to see what a broken relationship we used to have.. I felt so unloved and rejected quite often.. He hardly talked to be and when he did it always seemed he was telling me not to do something I felt was right... or at least not bad.. I always wanted to help people.. Yea sometimes it put me in uncomfortable situations and I know that worried him..

Today he told me that he could be worried over Matt and I in what has happened in our pasts but it would be useless.. All that matters is what direction we are headed.

It is so true.. I wish we would have agreed on these things earlier in life..
More-so I find it amazing to see my dad becoming more relational with me.. He’s begun sharing more of his insecurities with me.. Over the last 5 years I have realized how much of my families lives I have missed out on..

5 years ago my mother acquired a very rare disease in which her bottom lip swelled up and her throat swelled closed.. The doctors were not sure if they were connected.. but regardless they were puzzled.. We were afraid my mother’s life was drawing to a close. It scared the crap out of me.. I had never before thought about how my life would change without my parents.

How would I handle it?

It make me think that if something were to happen to Mom, I would have a bigger responsibility to take care of Matt.. when neither one of us really got along well with dad.. Matt was my baby.. I love that boy.. anyone touch him be fair warned...

Then if something happened to both mom and dad.. then what...
I would be almost done with school and would try and finish it out at Janesville leaving my brother to move to Kansas City with my uncle.. No I didn’t want to loose my brother.. I decided I would show him even more love.. I cared I want to know that he knows I love him. And better yet I want him to follow his dreams and want him to know that I am here when he gets knocked down..

As for my parents.. Well we were on shaky ground.. I loved them, but really only talked to them when they told me to do something.. and well Matt and I both pretty much ignored them.. (we were not very good at honoring our mother and father) (we also didn't get disciplined for it either)

There were a few things in my past that had told me my parents loved me, but I craved to know in an ever present way.. So what better way then to start loving them in a visual way first.. Find out what makes them feel loved..

One of the first big turn arounds came after I finished reading a book.. Not sure exactly which one it was.. I may have blogged about it years ago.. who knows.. but in this book it talked about inviting your parents to be a part of your love story. I found this very fascinating and after reading the stories in the book it made me truly want my parents to be involved in my relationships. So after mustering up as much courage as I had (remeber we had a broken relationship at the time) I took my parents out for dinner and talked to them about the concept.. I wanted them to be involved and I wanted their approval.

I mean hey, what more could a parent ask for then to have a teenager want their opinion...

Unfortunately.. Later I didn’t really ask for their advice about a relationship and got my heart broken.. but that’s a different story..

but slowly and surely my relationship with my parents began to strengthen :)

I recall one day asking my mother why she read so many romance novels...
I mustered up the courage to tell her it concerned me that she was building up a false reality and false expectations of her relationship with dad and it concerned me.

now a few years later.. she still reads romance novels but the one that are not filled with so many false hopes.. But I'm still praying about that one... I hope one day she will be the one I turn to with questions about the Bible. With the amount of reading she does... Wow.. She would know so much very quickly..

Then there was the day that I could not ever deny again the thought that my Mother did not love me...It was a day of Gods intervention.. I was have some really tough self-esteem issues and just had to get away, so I grabbed my guitar and my binder of music and headed off to a park just past Waverly..
When I got there my emotions continued to get the best of me and I ended up in sobs..
I called my mom searching desperately for God and hope..
Mom told me to "Shut Up" ... at first I was like what.. then she continued.. "You are my daughter and you are valuable" Shut Up! Stop it. You are valuable" ... Or something to that affect.. For the first time in my life.. aside from a time when I was a freshman my mother started crying after something she found out I was doing.. but I knew that she loved me..
She cared enough to tell me to Shut Up.
... I sobbed even more...

In a later conversation my mother also told me that she would love me and be there for me no matter what the situation.. Even if I had gotten drunk and needed help or ended up coming home pregnant she would be there...

Wow.. Mom really loved me.. :)

After those happenings I spent 3 months in Tennessee (summer 07) and well almost every time I talked to mom I was in tears.. I was in a relationship at the time and it kept going well then bad.. I missed him desperately and was frustrated because I had though we would have been married or at least engaged by then and didnt understand why he was not committed... talk about frustrating.. (that relationship is over now and he is married to another.. long story short.. he didn't waste much time)

During that time I began to see Mom as more of a friend. :)

So now Mom and I get along well.. how about me and Dad?... well not so much..
Dad and mostly argued about Matt and Church theology..

I thought Dad needed to make more time to spend with Matthew.. I knew that spending time with Dad made me feel loved and assumed it would with Matt too..

After a night going to youth group after Chris broke up with me I learned that Matt primary love language is quality time.. He told me that it was really nice spending more time with me.. (Chris was no longer around... I was in pieces and leaned on Matt to help me through the youth group I was leading)

Matt liked spending time with me.. Quality Time... then his other is Physical Touch.. he sits on me all the time.. which is ok, because we share the same love languages.. :) I understand my bro.

So I would try and explain Matt's love language to my Dad and encourage him to spend more time with him... most of the time I was frustrated by the end of the night because it felt like I was being ignored.. When he complained about the things that Matt does.. Like taking about pieces of the Jimmy.. Matt loves working on cars.. Dad would rather spend tons of money to have it fixed instead of letting Matt tinker with it and see if he could fix it..

I wanted Dad to encourage Matt to continue doing something he liked... Aeromechanics’.. despite how much Dad hated the idea.. I reasoned it would really show him you love and support him..

So dad and I argued..

Then a bit after Chris broke up with me I moved in with a friend in Waverly.. one night Dad and I were taking a walk around Waverly and I was really down about having my heart ripped out and then stabbed.. I think this was around the time that I learned he was engaged.. (about 2 months after breaking up with me) I was having a really hard time with it and well Dad doesn’t handle emotions very well.
He took me bowling... to avoid talking about it...

Well now after counseling.. yes I broke down and went to counseling.. Its really not bad.. I liked my counselor.. :) She loved having me come in and share my updates..

I was also very attentive in getting help from my Church.. Yes God lined that one up.. Thank you for giving me a caring Church before that all happened.. You are a wonderful God.

As you can see I very much dislike pain and wanted it to end ASAP... So I took every measure to figure out why this happened and how.. If I feel as if I'm being ignored.. I typically address the situation and want to discuss it.. (I felt ignored a lot by Chris) (he didn't seem to want to talk much either) (double the frustration)

Anyway back to Dad.. He took me bowling...
I knew my Dad was very bad about talking about emotional things.. but really..

Eh.. After getting to a point where I was drawing closer and closer to God and gaining more healing things went better.

Then a turning point for me with Dad was on my birthday.. He got me roses and a card.. I thought they were from Mom until she corrected me.
They were from Dad????? my Dad????? Wow...

Dad really does care.. He loves me. :)

Then a few things happened that I left my Dad out of for sake of saving ourselves from arguing about it..

These had to do with religion.. So my mothers side of the family believes in keeping the Sabbath (Saturday) the also do not eat "unclean meats" and also celebrate many of the festivals recorded in the Old Testament.. one of them being the Feast of Tabernacles..

I had always felt a separation between my immediate family and my mothers family and it frustrated me.. I wanted to know what the differences were and decided for myself if they were truly biblical or not..

I knew that my father had gone through a similar debate when he was seeking after my mother.. and I didn't want to argue about it..

Then I had also been considering moving to Detroit to help out my aunt and uncle with their children and to better understand their beliefs. I didn’t think this would go over very well with dad, so I didn’t talk about it much with him.. I talked to Mom.. I knew she would support me.

I knew Dad trusted me, but I also knew he was concerned for my well-being and my relationship with Christ..

He proved this to me when I got to Detroit by telling me to be careful that what Moms family believe was not what he had determined to be truth.. (something very similar to that)

Wow.. Dad cares.. and he Understands..

Then a phone conversation with my Dad arises from a question I pose to him about Spiritual Warfare.. It turns into at least an hour conversation about the logistical workings of the battle occurring in the heavenly realms concerning our spirits and more particularly the battle that takes place in the mind.. (The battlefield of the mind --Joyce Meyers -- Check it out..)

Ok.. so I can talk with Dad again about important faith based topics..
We also talked about the differences in how Mom's family saw things and compared them to our own personal beliefs.. Dad and I are very similar.. despite his more traditional view and my more charismatic view.. (Regardless I find myself sounding more like him everyday.. ) (Lord Willing)

Then Christmas time comes.. I meet up with a friend of mine from Mass.. and we go back to Iowa together.. Some very deep and personal things are on my heart and I know that God wants me to be an open book with my family.. God had confirmed that in many ways..

So leading up to my arrival home... I let my family know that I want to talk with them when I get there.. I am terrified that my family will not react well to the news I bring.. the Honest truth of an attack of Satan and my decision to ignore Gods warning signs..

So I muster the courage yet again to be honest with my family.. And I am completely dumbfounded by the results.. and it draws my family even closer..

But to my shock it also opens a door for my Father to be more emotional with me.. or so it seems. He understands my hurt and despair..

So now I'm back in Detroit.. and today my Father randomly calls me..
He seems to be in a very pleasant mood.. he seems happy.. and it also seems that he has really no reason to call.. which is not odd, but is odd for Dad at the same time.. but even more odd is that he seems unusually happy...
Of course I am thrilled to hear his voice.. even more thrilled to hear him sound happy!! and to make it even better.. Dad and I even start talking about Relationships...... Wait... yes I said Relationships!!! Wow... Dad talking about relationships... (Who are you and what have you done with my Dad??)

He even talked about a past relationship and why he broke it off.. Mainly because he saw that God was not part of their relationship and they rarely talked about the importance of God being the center of their relationship.. nor did they go to Church together.. the foundation of their relationship was build on sand and he knew it would crumble..

Now there I could relate... Wait a min... I can relate to my Dad... about a relationship...

This pointed out another reason my relationship with Chris failed.. He didn’t seem to care about us going to Church together.. he found one he liked and didn’t even ask my opinion about it.. (I saw underlying reasons why he liked it but that’s a different story.. and no longer needs to be discussed..)

But it was really nice again to be able to go back to the very beginning with my father.. back to the first thing that began the restoration process between my parents and I.. Inviting them into my love story.. They are very much a part of it.. and I love them for it.

Dad and I were able to talk today about things that are important to me. First off that my husband have a closer relationship with Christ than I do.. well the rest will follow suit.. and don't necessarily need to be discussed..

I love my Dad and I know my love story will be an amazing one. :)

Amen-- So be it -- Be it so.

Family, I love you!

Past the feelings..

How do I get past the thoughts the feelings, why am I so wrapped up.. Lord I need to rebind my heart.. Its already on the loose. Help me grasp it tight and let you write its story.

Thoughts flood my mind of when, where and how and everything that's attached.. I'm not ready yet.. Plain and simple.. Why does my mind continue to wonder...

Is there a future with him? He seems so certain there is..
How well does he really know you Lord? Does he share a vision with You?
How does he want to raise a family? What values does he have? What specific things are important to him? ... Dinner together.. Family nights... Does he care?

Can he support a family financially? Does he maintain a good relationship with my earthly father? Will he continue to be honest and treat me with respect?

Truth

How to react.. I know God has a plan for LoveDetroit..
This will happen In this City.

Lord I ask that you draw close to me.
Draw Close.

At the moment I feel torn. A dear friend whom I love without understanding of reason is struggling with frustration of circumstances. I know very well he is also deeply desiring to be with me. Lord I pray you continue to give me discernment.

Over the last few weeks I have been going back and forth upon my feelings for him. I know I love him, I do not know why. Getting to know him better has shown me that he will be completly honest with me, but Lord that is not enough. He is not ready for a relationship and I feel as if we have skipped over my deep desire to have my families blessing. He knows this desire very well and Lord I thank you for my time with you this evening to again remind him. Although I wish him no more pain I must stand and say that I am not his. I am but Yours oh Lord. Despite the fact that I love him means nothing unless it is Your will oh Lord. Lord I pray that you meet David where he is and show him love, show him mercy, tame his frustration and anger. Lord over the last few weeks I have begun to see these things come from within him. Lord I pray You confront them and take captive his heart and transform him to be truly a son of God. Your beloved one.

Lord After talking with David I know where we are both weak and need your strength. Lord I know that if we were to see one another shortly it would be very difficult for him to remain composed considering his love for me... If it is truly real.. I know he will continue to desire to be with me.. Lord I wish not to hurt him, he is not prepared to be apart of a relationship despite how he wants to.

I wish not to hurt him, but for now you have shown me that David is not ready. Lord I also know that I am not ready for a relationship either. I know you have plans for me to unveil and that a man will only distract me from your vision for my life. I thank you for Davids acceptance understanding and support for this vision. Currently he is the only man I have met who believes that this is fully crafted by you. I do believe that you want me to continue to focus on the Vision.

If David is to be it will be revealed to me. Lord I lay this in Your hands. I let You prepare my love story. I know Your love will far surpass anything I could imagine. Help me to remain strong. If David is or is not to be it will be shown true. I thank you for you answer to me for now. Abide in You and know that You are God. I am to stay true to You vision for me and let go of David. He needs to draw close to You on his own. He has my support, but I can not draw close to You for him..

I need a man who's relationship with You is closer than mine.

LoveDetroit

Continuation of LoveDetroit!!

Wow God is good, every time I feel that I have hit a stone wall it seems I find more people with a similar passion. I know God has given me an amazing vision for the city of Detroit and I also know that It will come to pass!!

I was once told by a good friend... and this has been confirmed by many others that I am to write down my dreams and visions... This will keep them alive and uncluttered by anything Satan attempts to throw at me..

Well This Dream will come to pass, for it is far above me. Only God can see this through. I have no part. I only walk through Him that leads me. That for those of you who don't understand this is by placing myself on the Cross and letting Christ walk through me. Amen.

LoveDetroit!

The city of Detroit will soon as the city of Love. God wants to pour down His love on us and He will follow through.

When I was in College I had a huge desire to see Gods Army of Love come together as one body. I started an event called Unity Fest which was organized to bring people who love God together and better equip them to follow the Lord more intimately. Unfortunately at the time I was dealing with issues of selfishness and wanting to see things work out in my favor instead of God's... Not a good plan. I organized the event for two years, while I was at my community college. Then I transferred and took up a degree at the University of Northern Iowa in Programming Services Administration..


In the last 2 years my brother has been on me to start Unity Fest again.. well after I finished my degree at UNI I moved to live with my Aunt and Uncle in Detroit.. Previous to this My life had changed quite dramatically.. God has been moving in and revealing my insecurities and filling them with His blessings, Love and Grace. Amazingly enough I have been learning to listen and let go.

When I arrived to Detroit I was surprised to see that there were very few Christian Radio stations.. I felt deprived. I missed my connection that I had in Iowa.. When Coming In I felt that God would meet my need for Him in the absence..

Yes I know there are a few good radio stations.. but not as much variety as I was used to. Anyway...

Over the last several years I have been praying for God to show me what His will for me was...Within the last 2 months I have become convinced that God wants to Love on the people of Detroit. I love loving people. I see God coming in many ways, and I pray that I am not mistaken. I know that God wants to show Love to all of His people. I believe that He already is doing so and wants His people to come together and Love one another undivided.

Churches, God's people will learn to come together and love one another despite their differences. By the Thousands the city will reach out to the homeless the downtrodden show them kindness and Love them. Orphans will find that God truly values them as people. Young women will see that they are more precious then diamonds and will stop selling themselves for less. I'm one of them... I understand.. But God values us. Don't let yourself dwell on anything else. You are beautiful and wonderfully made. Men will also increase their ability to see the value of Women and treat and respect them accordingly.. As daughter of God. AMEN.
Likewise Women will treat men with respect and not fear. AMEN.

Wow the things that will happen. Marriages restored. AMEN. Corruption destroyed. AMEN. Love will be evident. AMEN. May God truly walk this vision and dream to reality. AMEN. So Be It. Be It So.