I sit here amazed at the faith of Joshua, knowing and understanding that God is his shield protector and rock.
A while back I was sitting in my small group discussing the deep details of the old testament and how authors have tried to teach these things to children. Well I find it intriguing that really parents taught their children to memorize the old testament and we are afraid to even share the truth of it.
This insight led me to question why are we as adults afraid to share these things with our kids? Is it out of our own insecurities? Our own discomfort or even disbelief...
So in the passage I just finished reading Joshua is commanded by God. Well first off, what a privileged. That God would love man enough to give him direct directions..
For the majority of those who love God, we still have not been privileged to this amazing opportunity.. I wonder why is this?
Well first lets ask.. how was it that Joshua was appointed to his role in the first place.
As Moses' apprentice, Joshua was a major figure in all the events of the Exodus. He accompanied Moses part of the way when he ascended Mount Sinai to receive the Ten Commandments (Exd. 32:17). He was one of the twelve spies who were sent on by Moses to explore the land of Canaan (Num. 13:16, 17), and only he and Caleb gave an encouraging report, a reward for which would be that only these two of the spies would enter the promised land (Num 14:23-24). He was commander at their first battle after exiting Egypt, against the Amalekites in Rephidim (Ex. 17:8-16), in which they were victorious. ~~ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joshua
So Joshua, an apprentice of Moses, he was very likely to have been a man that Moses talked with frequently about the way that God had set before them. So it really makes sense that God would have Moses appoint a man who had been been shown and taught to hear and bear witness to will of God.
So is this why we as everyday people are not assigned to take on these miraculous fetes? Or are we really just not listening?
Could God be calling us into miracles?
Well then the question here stands.. Would a God of our universe send a son to perform what we would inevitably call a miracle and then bluntly tell us to go and make disciples.. and also that we have the power to cast out sickness in the name of Jesus and He desires that we do so.
18Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in[a] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." - Matthew 28: 18-20
15He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation. 16Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. 17And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; 18they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well."
19After the Lord Jesus had spoken to them, he was taken up into heaven and he sat at the right hand of God. 20Then the disciples went out and preached everywhere, and the Lord worked with them and confirmed his word by the signs that accompanied it.
-- Mark 16 :15-19
So do we have the passage to perform miracles. Yes. For by actions will those around us know that we are called children of God.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Wowie
So tonight I went to Church.. I love Church. Wowie did God speak to me tonight.. There were so many things tonight.
But Last week at Church the pastor talked about making declarations and annointings.
He reminded us that "The same annointing you have recieved remains within you"!
Wow..
Then "If you go stand and declare, I will back you up"!
Keeping that these things are declared in the name and will of Jesus.
Then to add that "Any and all hinderances that Satan attempts to bind over me have been cast out and lifted from me."
Durring the ending prayer of This > last weeks service I continued to see the picture of and feel a box over my head and shoulders that was locked upon me and I could not lift.
So after the service I had the Pastor pray it be lifted. And it was.. :)
So this week we had a guest speaker I don't recall his name but wowie powerful..
He spoke about the power of radio waves and music, he brought up the point that before satan was cast out from the heavens that he was a lead worshiper.. He used music to decieve and sway a third of the angels to follow him..
This totally explains why I am so influenced by the music I listen to.. Satan controls a large part of it.. I let that into my mind.. thus allowing Satan to have influence on my thoughts...
A few years ago I wrote a paper on the power of music but only after I spent an entire year getting myself unaddicted to noise... Trust me it wasn't easy. I went one week with music/ entertainment and one week with - as long as it was positive...
After this experiment I realized that my attitude began to change. I could hear God speaking to me during my weeks of and also during my weeks on because I was filling the time with positive messages.
Anyway The speaker also posed a few questions to us.
First off... What am I afraid of that I don't allow myself to draw close to God?
~ what a good question..
I know some of the things that God has planned for my future and I very much look forward to them but I find myself stuck in the here and now as if I'm waiting for Him to give me the go light.
Then he moved on the explination of different frequencies of radio waves.. Expaining that all to often we find ouselves on the am station.. It works but it is a poor quality.. We hear God but allow there to be static..
Why are we afraid to take the faith and let go of our budgets and move up to fm (in the sense that we own the station and are expanding) Yes it costs more but it is a more solid connection with Christ! --- Do we not want this???
It is time to expand the radio dial and move out of the "safety" frequency.
Later he also posed another question..
Am I what I've been through or Am I what I'm becoming?
~ Meaning am I letting the past decide who I am in the present.
Pushing on to say that I need to value myself the way that God values me.
>>>> Totally a Kudos to Nic... Love you man.. I do need to see myself as a pleasing sight to my God and others. I am a beautiful creation in the eyes of my beholder. Now I need to continually convince myself of this truth. I am choosing to accept this now. (Don't let me forget this or fall backwards)
I am also standing for the fact that I need to write my dreams and visions more often to keep them clear in my mind.
Also I need to step out and uncover the areas of my life where passiveness have taken control of me..
These being Reading my Bible and remaining healthy..also tracking my finances.. Three that have been revealed to me anyway...
I am choosing to take a step to say that Satan you have no control to keep me passive in these areas of my life. I am standing up for myself in that God will back me up.. This is a declaration I am becoming active..
One of the other things this speaker spoke about is looking like a fool..
Well I don't care if I look like an idiot. I know my heart.. I know my God.. If you don't know me well, well you don't know me well.. if this is so you have no idea where I am in life therefor you have no right to interject an opinion over the things that God is revealing to me.. Or even the fact that God talks to me in the first place.. You don't have to believe that He talks to me.. I know He does and that is that.
So in this case I do look like a fool for believing in a God that speaks to me that so many become offended by.. When they dont even believe He exists in the first place..
Now tell me if you believed God exists why are you not talking to Him.. More-so if you do believe and are questioning Him talking to me... are you really sure that you have truly accepted Christ?? If so I am positive there would be no hope for denying His existence...
You have you just denied passage of God's spirit to infiltrate your soul... This would cause you to be unable to hear God speaking to you..
Just a thought to chew on..
Anyway, what I got from tonight was an amazing enlightenment to what God is truly doing in my life. I need to take the steps of Faith ~ "Steps that come to take us into the next dimension" ( we are 3 dimensional and God is in the 4th dimension. ) Walking by faith takes us into the 4th dimension.
I want to remain consistently in the 4th dimension.. this requires actively taking steps of faith and continually seeking out opportunities for God's love to be shared. I need help on this.. Please encourage me!
With all these things. Please encourage me. Wowie God is good.
~With Love
Michelle
But Last week at Church the pastor talked about making declarations and annointings.
He reminded us that "The same annointing you have recieved remains within you"!
Wow..
Then "If you go stand and declare, I will back you up"!
Keeping that these things are declared in the name and will of Jesus.
Then to add that "Any and all hinderances that Satan attempts to bind over me have been cast out and lifted from me."
Durring the ending prayer of This > last weeks service I continued to see the picture of and feel a box over my head and shoulders that was locked upon me and I could not lift.
So after the service I had the Pastor pray it be lifted. And it was.. :)
So this week we had a guest speaker I don't recall his name but wowie powerful..
He spoke about the power of radio waves and music, he brought up the point that before satan was cast out from the heavens that he was a lead worshiper.. He used music to decieve and sway a third of the angels to follow him..
This totally explains why I am so influenced by the music I listen to.. Satan controls a large part of it.. I let that into my mind.. thus allowing Satan to have influence on my thoughts...
A few years ago I wrote a paper on the power of music but only after I spent an entire year getting myself unaddicted to noise... Trust me it wasn't easy. I went one week with music/ entertainment and one week with - as long as it was positive...
After this experiment I realized that my attitude began to change. I could hear God speaking to me during my weeks of and also during my weeks on because I was filling the time with positive messages.
Anyway The speaker also posed a few questions to us.
First off... What am I afraid of that I don't allow myself to draw close to God?
~ what a good question..
I know some of the things that God has planned for my future and I very much look forward to them but I find myself stuck in the here and now as if I'm waiting for Him to give me the go light.
Then he moved on the explination of different frequencies of radio waves.. Expaining that all to often we find ouselves on the am station.. It works but it is a poor quality.. We hear God but allow there to be static..
Why are we afraid to take the faith and let go of our budgets and move up to fm (in the sense that we own the station and are expanding) Yes it costs more but it is a more solid connection with Christ! --- Do we not want this???
It is time to expand the radio dial and move out of the "safety" frequency.
Later he also posed another question..
Am I what I've been through or Am I what I'm becoming?
~ Meaning am I letting the past decide who I am in the present.
Pushing on to say that I need to value myself the way that God values me.
>>>> Totally a Kudos to Nic... Love you man.. I do need to see myself as a pleasing sight to my God and others. I am a beautiful creation in the eyes of my beholder. Now I need to continually convince myself of this truth. I am choosing to accept this now. (Don't let me forget this or fall backwards)
I am also standing for the fact that I need to write my dreams and visions more often to keep them clear in my mind.
Also I need to step out and uncover the areas of my life where passiveness have taken control of me..
These being Reading my Bible and remaining healthy..also tracking my finances.. Three that have been revealed to me anyway...
I am choosing to take a step to say that Satan you have no control to keep me passive in these areas of my life. I am standing up for myself in that God will back me up.. This is a declaration I am becoming active..
One of the other things this speaker spoke about is looking like a fool..
Well I don't care if I look like an idiot. I know my heart.. I know my God.. If you don't know me well, well you don't know me well.. if this is so you have no idea where I am in life therefor you have no right to interject an opinion over the things that God is revealing to me.. Or even the fact that God talks to me in the first place.. You don't have to believe that He talks to me.. I know He does and that is that.
So in this case I do look like a fool for believing in a God that speaks to me that so many become offended by.. When they dont even believe He exists in the first place..
Now tell me if you believed God exists why are you not talking to Him.. More-so if you do believe and are questioning Him talking to me... are you really sure that you have truly accepted Christ?? If so I am positive there would be no hope for denying His existence...
You have you just denied passage of God's spirit to infiltrate your soul... This would cause you to be unable to hear God speaking to you..
Just a thought to chew on..
Anyway, what I got from tonight was an amazing enlightenment to what God is truly doing in my life. I need to take the steps of Faith ~ "Steps that come to take us into the next dimension" ( we are 3 dimensional and God is in the 4th dimension. ) Walking by faith takes us into the 4th dimension.
I want to remain consistently in the 4th dimension.. this requires actively taking steps of faith and continually seeking out opportunities for God's love to be shared. I need help on this.. Please encourage me!
With all these things. Please encourage me. Wowie God is good.
~With Love
Michelle
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Finding God in Me...
So I just had an interesting revelation..
Listening to music.. Imagine that. God speaks through music.
The last month or two has been interesting in the aspect of my emotions and my heart reaching out to another but yet pulling back and praying about the circumstances and coming to a point where I realize that actually putting my heart out in this circumstance would be devastating to me and the other involved.
Praise God first of all for that revelation.
But that's not the recent revelation.
Yesterday this person said something that just hit me now..
I've questioned whether or not this is the case, but this particular things makes me feel that my suspicion is yet being confirmed.
So yesterday I got a few text messages from this person.
other person says (9:43 AM)
Michelle .. I fee; like I'm falling apart.. My life is going great, but something very important is missing.. 12:50
Me
Seek out the thing thats missing. 12:53
other person says (9:43 AM)
It wasn't missing when I was with you... 1:01
Me
Have you talked to your pastor about it? 1:04
other person says 9:43 AM)
My answer to that question hasnt changed 1:05
Me
I dont know how to reply. 1:16
other person says (9:43 AM)
Youve asked me that question 3 times this week.. I live three cities away from church. Its not the kind of situation where I can just go whenever I want
1:16
Me
I wouldnt know that 1:18
Me
all I know is that would be who I would turn to 1:19
other person says (9:43 AM)
yeah well.. the guy id prefer turn to hasnt been around lately. 1:23
Thats where the convo ended.
I care about this person but I feel that he is trying to find something thats missing through me. It seems that He knows I have something and he felt it when he was with me, and is being tricked to think that the thing he is missing is me.
Its not. It Jesus. Jesus has so infiltrated my life that he was able to feel closer to Jesus when he was with me.
Out of love I cannot let him live his life through me.
The song Found by Hillsong United
Verse 1
Amazing love
Now what else shall I need
Your name brings life
It's more than the air I breathe
Verse 2
My world was changed
When Your love You gave for me
My purpose found
And all that You want for me
Chorus
And I found myself in You
And I found myself in You
Verse 3
Amazing love
Now what else shall I need
Your name brings life
It's more than the air I breathe
Bridge
Take me to a place
Where I can see You face to face
And all I want to do
All I want to do
Is worship You
I feel like he is trying to find God through me.
I pray he will one day understand why I am saying no.
Lord help him truly know that it is You he needs and not me.
I love you Jesus. Come to me in Your ways unknown.
Amen. So Be It. Be It So.
~Michelle
Listening to music.. Imagine that. God speaks through music.
The last month or two has been interesting in the aspect of my emotions and my heart reaching out to another but yet pulling back and praying about the circumstances and coming to a point where I realize that actually putting my heart out in this circumstance would be devastating to me and the other involved.
Praise God first of all for that revelation.
But that's not the recent revelation.
Yesterday this person said something that just hit me now..
I've questioned whether or not this is the case, but this particular things makes me feel that my suspicion is yet being confirmed.
So yesterday I got a few text messages from this person.
other person says (9:43 AM)
Michelle .. I fee; like I'm falling apart.. My life is going great, but something very important is missing.. 12:50
Me
Seek out the thing thats missing. 12:53
other person says (9:43 AM)
It wasn't missing when I was with you... 1:01
Me
Have you talked to your pastor about it? 1:04
other person says 9:43 AM)
My answer to that question hasnt changed 1:05
Me
I dont know how to reply. 1:16
other person says (9:43 AM)
Youve asked me that question 3 times this week.. I live three cities away from church. Its not the kind of situation where I can just go whenever I want
1:16
Me
I wouldnt know that 1:18
Me
all I know is that would be who I would turn to 1:19
other person says (9:43 AM)
yeah well.. the guy id prefer turn to hasnt been around lately. 1:23
Thats where the convo ended.
I care about this person but I feel that he is trying to find something thats missing through me. It seems that He knows I have something and he felt it when he was with me, and is being tricked to think that the thing he is missing is me.
Its not. It Jesus. Jesus has so infiltrated my life that he was able to feel closer to Jesus when he was with me.
Out of love I cannot let him live his life through me.
The song Found by Hillsong United
Verse 1
Amazing love
Now what else shall I need
Your name brings life
It's more than the air I breathe
Verse 2
My world was changed
When Your love You gave for me
My purpose found
And all that You want for me
Chorus
And I found myself in You
And I found myself in You
Verse 3
Amazing love
Now what else shall I need
Your name brings life
It's more than the air I breathe
Bridge
Take me to a place
Where I can see You face to face
And all I want to do
All I want to do
Is worship You
I feel like he is trying to find God through me.
I pray he will one day understand why I am saying no.
Lord help him truly know that it is You he needs and not me.
I love you Jesus. Come to me in Your ways unknown.
Amen. So Be It. Be It So.
~Michelle
Monday, January 26, 2009
Posting a convo with a friend.
:):) I feel like I'm about to cry.. I really don't know why.. It seems like everytime I am around more family than usual I become over sensitive..
9:57pmNicholas
there are times in out lives where we have to face certain things that we dont want to face.
9:58pmMichelle
It's moreso the how that gets me.
9:58pmNicholas
for you, you would have never delt with these issues if you were in iowa because they would never be raised you would be there and in your loving heart because you only know how to love you would never question the issues
9:58pmMichelle
I was raised in Iowa...
9:59pmNicholas
only way to do face them is head on in prayer and with questions to those who they are about
opps lol the questions would never be raised there hun
9:59pmMichelle
Tis true.. they were ignored.
10:00pmNicholas
mybe ignored but more so i htink you want to see the good so bad and you refuse to see the bad on any one so often that you honestly dont see bad things some times
10:01pmMichelle
yea..
Or I want to love someone so much I ignore the pain it causes me.
10:02pmNicholas
yes you do
however
i am about to tell you somehting very important
in our life there comes a point when we have to stop taking care of everyone else and take care of ourself and you have reached that point. time to stop thinking of what everyone else wants and decide what you want
10:04pmMichelle
I want my family to come past their differences and learn to just love one another.
10:06pmMichelle
I want to know that my Parents my brother, my uncle and aunt in Cedar Rapids and my uncle and aunt in Jesup are no longer Left out of the relational circle that is my family.
10:07pmMichelle
That when we come together we come together to see how God is working in all of our lives.. not ignoring our different beliefs.. but instead allowing ourselves to both attend eachothers Churches and encouraging each other to continually grow closer to Christ..
Not in a particular manner. But just growing closer to Christ.
Then Also learning to love one another by sharing personal memories together.. For example. Going bowling together.. I know the majority of my family would be up for that..
Randomly having a movie night.. Dinner together..
and so on.
10:10pmNicholas
hmmm
yes but in all of that it was all about them and nothing about you that is still putting everyone ahead of yourself
10:11pmMichelle
unity.. its the desire of my soul.
10:12pmNicholas
yes i know that
in all your life i have ever only known you to do things for other people even when we were home the people you saw while home was for their bennifit not you own that is wha ti am talking about
you live for others sometimes you just have to live for you hin
hun*
10:14pmMichelle
Often times I find that to be selfish of myself.
10:15pmNicholas
in some cases yes it is selfishness that drives us and we have to correct our attitudes in that but other times it is what saves us from going batty and other times it isnt selfish at all but rather what needs to be done
10:18pmMichelle
..
10:19pmNicholas
not everything we do for ourselves is sefish hun some f it just is
i mean it isnt selfish to take a shower or brush your teeh or eat
so why is it selfish to take care of our emtions and mental health?
10:20pmMichelle
but how..
10:21pmNicholas
how is it not selfish?
10:21pmMichelle
how do I handle them..
10:22pmNicholas
handle what ?
10:22pmMichelle
the only way I've ever really done that is to talk about it. Play my guitar.. become reserved to the point where people question what is going on with me..
Or the most common.. attempt to ignor them and let them blow up later.
10:24pmNicholas
well in this case you need to ask the people involved why
10:25pmMichelle
Ive been praying about that for years.
I want to know. Why do I feel such a disconnect. Its not right.
10:26pmNicholas
no its not right and untill you tell those people you feel it about you will never be at peace about and your never giving them the chace to explain and ask for forgivness
10:27pmMichelle
There is a reason for me being who I am today. I don't want to blame anyone. I only want to be able to change the course of our relationships for the future.
10:29pmNicholas
yes and talking to them is the first step
10:29pmMichelle
Then when and the how is the interesting step.
10:38pmNicholas
well the sooner the better and i would say just lay it out
10:38pmMichelle
Check out my page..
10:38pmNicholas
blog?
10:38pmMichelle
the last to people to make comments are my aunt and my cousin..
10:39pmNicholas
ok
10:39pmMichelle
my aunt is one of my relatives I have felt pushed away by..
10:39pmNicholas
the comments to me seem suoerfical yet honest in the fact tey suck at showing it
10:47pmMichelle
I'm not finished yet..
10:48pmNicholas
i was talking about theres hun not yours
10:49pmMichelle
ah
10:50pmNicholas
your thoughts are very geuniuen theres just read as a suerfical o come on you know we love you
kind of statement
10:50pmMichelle
yea...
10:51pmNicholas
i say best plan of attack is to just walk right up to them and say hey why do you treat so and so like this yet me like this and do you know it made me feel this way
10:52pmMichelle
Its not just me.
I'm just the one who knows that I have the strength to do it.
10:53pmNicholas
well get over it and do it anyways :):) you can borrow mine fr that conversation :):)
10:53pmMichelle
I don't really see that approach smoothing over so well.
So far.. my family knows there are problems that lie under the surface.. they are all to scared to say anything
10:54pmNicholas
well there is an issue you want to smooth over rather than deal with the issue
10:54pmMichelle
they dont want to make the divide larger
10:54pmNicholas
did Jesus smooth anything over or did he hit it on the head with a tem ton hammer
10:55pmMichelle
Not necessarrally.. but how did he handle speaking to the Pharicies..
he was strait up.. but also very careful how and where he said things
10:55pmNicholas
striaght and to the point
he didnt hide his intent
i dont think a public market was a very safe place to say things
10:56pmMichelle
Currently.. nor am I.. I am stating it in my reply to Wendy's question.
This way she has no ability to mis-interperate my words. they are written in black and white.
She can not minipulate it.
10:57pmNicholas
hehe using honest words although might offend some is the way Jeus did it
10:57pmMichelle
But at the same time she is learning of my concern
this will allow her the ability to sit down and think also about the things I am actually saying.
10:58pmNicholas
is the greek when he called them all a brud of vipers he litterally called them snake bastards and in the culture who your ather was, was everything and to be abstard was really bad
10:58pmMichelle
it will force her to listen.
10:58pmNicholas
indeed it will
10:59pmMichelle
Wendy is a person with whom it is difficult to get a word in..
Knowing this... Writing things out is most likely the best approach for her to contemplate things.
10:59pmNicholas
good deal
did you see what i wrote a few lines ago
11:00pmMichelle
brood of snakes
..
11:00pmNicholas
hehe
yep
snake bastards
i dont think that was the nicest thing to say in that culture in fact i think it might be = to calling a women a ho
11:02pmMichelle
tis true.. but he was also speaking the minds of many common people. Thefore relating to the general public
in a sense..
I hope you don't feel I am taking that our of context.
11:03pmNicholas
it may have been common thought yes so in the same way it might be a common thought between other members of your fam but they dont have the guts to say anything about it
11:04pmMichelle
Currently I don't feel that it is the right time to bring everything out into the open.
Yes I have spoken to most of them seperately but not about the same issues..
Yes they may thing my parents were bad parents and neglected us... but really.. is it not hurt people who hurt people..
It is deeper than my parents.. and really My parents and I have come to know and love each other.. it is an ever maturing process but still its coming.
Then it comes to the family and I see it growing worse..
11:07pmNicholas
yes
that is no good
in the end family is what matters i say they pull their heads out of the sand and deal with it
11:08pmMichelle
you say...
11:09pmNicholas
yes i say
lol
11:09pmMichelle
But what will allow them to address the issues at hand.. aside from being confronted individually.. then discussing these things and then coming together or compromise or better yet attempt to change the behavior for future growth.
11:09pmNicholas
because i have seen to many people not do that and it tears them up inside
hmmm
i find that the more public the less they can dodge the issue at hand
11:10pmMichelle
but one also has to be aware of the issue to address it.
If I were to address it that way then I to would also make them feel condemned.. just by the way I would have presented it.
This way I have sharing my feelings on a dormant stage allowing for them to ask the questions..
11:11pmNicholas
that is a possible out come indeed
11:12pmMichelle
There is no way to reach the first outcome this way
11:12pmNicholas
life is hard and family issues dont help any. if the issues are as prevalent as you claim then they know about them and the best thing to do is talk to them and get them to admit they want change and find a comprimise
talking on an individal bases might be the first step
just like matthew lays out
11:13pmMichelle
:):)
11:14pmNicholas
them first
then two
then the church
in your case
you first
then one other fam member willing to stand up with you
and then everyone
11:15pmMichelle
I know some of my family members have also been hurt by this and have been praying for the same revival I have.
11:15pmNicholas
see God has already set up the support system for you
11:15pmMichelle
I know.
:):)
11:16pmNicholas
:):) and i am here fo ryou
11:16pmMichelle
He is strong when I am weak.
11:16pmNicholas
indeed He is
you ever listen to Bebo Norman?
11:17pmMichelle
yep
11:17pmNicholas
well Borrow mine is from me to you right now
your weak im strong lets walk throuhg it together
11:18pmMichelle
:):)
11:19pmNicholas
i love you and will always do my best to support you
11:19pmMichelle
:):)
Now is where the big question comes in..
the next post..
11:22pmNicholas
brb
11:23pmMichelle
kk
11:25pmNicholas is offline.
11:27pmNicholas is online.
11:30pmNicholas
ok
im back
11:31pmMichelle
Yay.. Do you mind If I post some of our convo..
on my Blogger..
11:31pmNicholas
no prob
11:31pmMichelle
:):)
11:31pmNicholas
i love you sweet heart you know this rigt?
11:31pmMichelle
I like to keep my thoughts current in a place I trust.
Yes I do know you love me.
:):)
11:31pmNicholas
:):)
good
so i say this in love
11:32pmMichelle
I hope that last post.. comes out strong but not as a turn off..
11:32pmNicholas
finish your post turn off your computer and go spend time with Jeus
JEsus
*
11:32pmMichelle
:):)
Thats one of the huge reasons I love you
11:33pmNicholas
time for me to take my leave :):)
lol
11:33pmMichelle
You tell me to spend more time with My Savior..
11:33pmNicholas
hehehe
11:33pmMichelle
what more is there... really?
11:33pmNicholas
i just know it works
not much more
11:33pmMichelle
:):)
Michelle pushes nick into the snow.. then pulls him up only to jump on him giving him a huge hug.. then making us both fall in the snow..
11:34pmNicholas
lol i love it
11:34pmMichelle
Thatswas a good hug..
11:34pmNicholas
it was
11:34pmMichelle
That*
11:35pmNicholas
well hugs
11:35pmMichelle
Yay!!
11:35pmNicholas
lov eyou
im gonna leave you to Jesus now
11:35pmMichelle
:):)
11:35pmNicholas
talk to you tomorrow
11:35pmMichelle
:):)
11:39pmNicholas is offline.
9:57pmNicholas
there are times in out lives where we have to face certain things that we dont want to face.
9:58pmMichelle
It's moreso the how that gets me.
9:58pmNicholas
for you, you would have never delt with these issues if you were in iowa because they would never be raised you would be there and in your loving heart because you only know how to love you would never question the issues
9:58pmMichelle
I was raised in Iowa...
9:59pmNicholas
only way to do face them is head on in prayer and with questions to those who they are about
opps lol the questions would never be raised there hun
9:59pmMichelle
Tis true.. they were ignored.
10:00pmNicholas
mybe ignored but more so i htink you want to see the good so bad and you refuse to see the bad on any one so often that you honestly dont see bad things some times
10:01pmMichelle
yea..
Or I want to love someone so much I ignore the pain it causes me.
10:02pmNicholas
yes you do
however
i am about to tell you somehting very important
in our life there comes a point when we have to stop taking care of everyone else and take care of ourself and you have reached that point. time to stop thinking of what everyone else wants and decide what you want
10:04pmMichelle
I want my family to come past their differences and learn to just love one another.
10:06pmMichelle
I want to know that my Parents my brother, my uncle and aunt in Cedar Rapids and my uncle and aunt in Jesup are no longer Left out of the relational circle that is my family.
10:07pmMichelle
That when we come together we come together to see how God is working in all of our lives.. not ignoring our different beliefs.. but instead allowing ourselves to both attend eachothers Churches and encouraging each other to continually grow closer to Christ..
Not in a particular manner. But just growing closer to Christ.
Then Also learning to love one another by sharing personal memories together.. For example. Going bowling together.. I know the majority of my family would be up for that..
Randomly having a movie night.. Dinner together..
and so on.
10:10pmNicholas
hmmm
yes but in all of that it was all about them and nothing about you that is still putting everyone ahead of yourself
10:11pmMichelle
unity.. its the desire of my soul.
10:12pmNicholas
yes i know that
in all your life i have ever only known you to do things for other people even when we were home the people you saw while home was for their bennifit not you own that is wha ti am talking about
you live for others sometimes you just have to live for you hin
hun*
10:14pmMichelle
Often times I find that to be selfish of myself.
10:15pmNicholas
in some cases yes it is selfishness that drives us and we have to correct our attitudes in that but other times it is what saves us from going batty and other times it isnt selfish at all but rather what needs to be done
10:18pmMichelle
..
10:19pmNicholas
not everything we do for ourselves is sefish hun some f it just is
i mean it isnt selfish to take a shower or brush your teeh or eat
so why is it selfish to take care of our emtions and mental health?
10:20pmMichelle
but how..
10:21pmNicholas
how is it not selfish?
10:21pmMichelle
how do I handle them..
10:22pmNicholas
handle what ?
10:22pmMichelle
the only way I've ever really done that is to talk about it. Play my guitar.. become reserved to the point where people question what is going on with me..
Or the most common.. attempt to ignor them and let them blow up later.
10:24pmNicholas
well in this case you need to ask the people involved why
10:25pmMichelle
Ive been praying about that for years.
I want to know. Why do I feel such a disconnect. Its not right.
10:26pmNicholas
no its not right and untill you tell those people you feel it about you will never be at peace about and your never giving them the chace to explain and ask for forgivness
10:27pmMichelle
There is a reason for me being who I am today. I don't want to blame anyone. I only want to be able to change the course of our relationships for the future.
10:29pmNicholas
yes and talking to them is the first step
10:29pmMichelle
Then when and the how is the interesting step.
10:38pmNicholas
well the sooner the better and i would say just lay it out
10:38pmMichelle
Check out my page..
10:38pmNicholas
blog?
10:38pmMichelle
the last to people to make comments are my aunt and my cousin..
10:39pmNicholas
ok
10:39pmMichelle
my aunt is one of my relatives I have felt pushed away by..
10:39pmNicholas
the comments to me seem suoerfical yet honest in the fact tey suck at showing it
10:47pmMichelle
I'm not finished yet..
10:48pmNicholas
i was talking about theres hun not yours
10:49pmMichelle
ah
10:50pmNicholas
your thoughts are very geuniuen theres just read as a suerfical o come on you know we love you
kind of statement
10:50pmMichelle
yea...
10:51pmNicholas
i say best plan of attack is to just walk right up to them and say hey why do you treat so and so like this yet me like this and do you know it made me feel this way
10:52pmMichelle
Its not just me.
I'm just the one who knows that I have the strength to do it.
10:53pmNicholas
well get over it and do it anyways :):) you can borrow mine fr that conversation :):)
10:53pmMichelle
I don't really see that approach smoothing over so well.
So far.. my family knows there are problems that lie under the surface.. they are all to scared to say anything
10:54pmNicholas
well there is an issue you want to smooth over rather than deal with the issue
10:54pmMichelle
they dont want to make the divide larger
10:54pmNicholas
did Jesus smooth anything over or did he hit it on the head with a tem ton hammer
10:55pmMichelle
Not necessarrally.. but how did he handle speaking to the Pharicies..
he was strait up.. but also very careful how and where he said things
10:55pmNicholas
striaght and to the point
he didnt hide his intent
i dont think a public market was a very safe place to say things
10:56pmMichelle
Currently.. nor am I.. I am stating it in my reply to Wendy's question.
This way she has no ability to mis-interperate my words. they are written in black and white.
She can not minipulate it.
10:57pmNicholas
hehe using honest words although might offend some is the way Jeus did it
10:57pmMichelle
But at the same time she is learning of my concern
this will allow her the ability to sit down and think also about the things I am actually saying.
10:58pmNicholas
is the greek when he called them all a brud of vipers he litterally called them snake bastards and in the culture who your ather was, was everything and to be abstard was really bad
10:58pmMichelle
it will force her to listen.
10:58pmNicholas
indeed it will
10:59pmMichelle
Wendy is a person with whom it is difficult to get a word in..
Knowing this... Writing things out is most likely the best approach for her to contemplate things.
10:59pmNicholas
good deal
did you see what i wrote a few lines ago
11:00pmMichelle
brood of snakes
..
11:00pmNicholas
hehe
yep
snake bastards
i dont think that was the nicest thing to say in that culture in fact i think it might be = to calling a women a ho
11:02pmMichelle
tis true.. but he was also speaking the minds of many common people. Thefore relating to the general public
in a sense..
I hope you don't feel I am taking that our of context.
11:03pmNicholas
it may have been common thought yes so in the same way it might be a common thought between other members of your fam but they dont have the guts to say anything about it
11:04pmMichelle
Currently I don't feel that it is the right time to bring everything out into the open.
Yes I have spoken to most of them seperately but not about the same issues..
Yes they may thing my parents were bad parents and neglected us... but really.. is it not hurt people who hurt people..
It is deeper than my parents.. and really My parents and I have come to know and love each other.. it is an ever maturing process but still its coming.
Then it comes to the family and I see it growing worse..
11:07pmNicholas
yes
that is no good
in the end family is what matters i say they pull their heads out of the sand and deal with it
11:08pmMichelle
you say...
11:09pmNicholas
yes i say
lol
11:09pmMichelle
But what will allow them to address the issues at hand.. aside from being confronted individually.. then discussing these things and then coming together or compromise or better yet attempt to change the behavior for future growth.
11:09pmNicholas
because i have seen to many people not do that and it tears them up inside
hmmm
i find that the more public the less they can dodge the issue at hand
11:10pmMichelle
but one also has to be aware of the issue to address it.
If I were to address it that way then I to would also make them feel condemned.. just by the way I would have presented it.
This way I have sharing my feelings on a dormant stage allowing for them to ask the questions..
11:11pmNicholas
that is a possible out come indeed
11:12pmMichelle
There is no way to reach the first outcome this way
11:12pmNicholas
life is hard and family issues dont help any. if the issues are as prevalent as you claim then they know about them and the best thing to do is talk to them and get them to admit they want change and find a comprimise
talking on an individal bases might be the first step
just like matthew lays out
11:13pmMichelle
:):)
11:14pmNicholas
them first
then two
then the church
in your case
you first
then one other fam member willing to stand up with you
and then everyone
11:15pmMichelle
I know some of my family members have also been hurt by this and have been praying for the same revival I have.
11:15pmNicholas
see God has already set up the support system for you
11:15pmMichelle
I know.
:):)
11:16pmNicholas
:):) and i am here fo ryou
11:16pmMichelle
He is strong when I am weak.
11:16pmNicholas
indeed He is
you ever listen to Bebo Norman?
11:17pmMichelle
yep
11:17pmNicholas
well Borrow mine is from me to you right now
your weak im strong lets walk throuhg it together
11:18pmMichelle
:):)
11:19pmNicholas
i love you and will always do my best to support you
11:19pmMichelle
:):)
Now is where the big question comes in..
the next post..
11:22pmNicholas
brb
11:23pmMichelle
kk
11:25pmNicholas is offline.
11:27pmNicholas is online.
11:30pmNicholas
ok
im back
11:31pmMichelle
Yay.. Do you mind If I post some of our convo..
on my Blogger..
11:31pmNicholas
no prob
11:31pmMichelle
:):)
11:31pmNicholas
i love you sweet heart you know this rigt?
11:31pmMichelle
I like to keep my thoughts current in a place I trust.
Yes I do know you love me.
:):)
11:31pmNicholas
:):)
good
so i say this in love
11:32pmMichelle
I hope that last post.. comes out strong but not as a turn off..
11:32pmNicholas
finish your post turn off your computer and go spend time with Jeus
JEsus
*
11:32pmMichelle
:):)
Thats one of the huge reasons I love you
11:33pmNicholas
time for me to take my leave :):)
lol
11:33pmMichelle
You tell me to spend more time with My Savior..
11:33pmNicholas
hehehe
11:33pmMichelle
what more is there... really?
11:33pmNicholas
i just know it works
not much more
11:33pmMichelle
:):)
Michelle pushes nick into the snow.. then pulls him up only to jump on him giving him a huge hug.. then making us both fall in the snow..
11:34pmNicholas
lol i love it
11:34pmMichelle
Thatswas a good hug..
11:34pmNicholas
it was
11:34pmMichelle
That*
11:35pmNicholas
well hugs
11:35pmMichelle
Yay!!
11:35pmNicholas
lov eyou
im gonna leave you to Jesus now
11:35pmMichelle
:):)
11:35pmNicholas
talk to you tomorrow
11:35pmMichelle
:):)
11:39pmNicholas is offline.
Honest.. I hope my family actually address's this.
Michelle is beginning to face represed memories of my childhood... Was I actually loved by my family or just tollerated? 12:26am - Comment
Ryan Webster at 12:44am January 26
Don't be silly! You've been loved by many! I'm sure that included your family. I mean, at the very least look at your bro, Matt!
Michelle Burns at 12:56am January 26
I was speaking more in reference to my extended family. There are a lot of things that make me question.
Possibly adding to the reason I had and at times still have such a low self-esteem. I know my parents and brother love me.. I don't question that at all. I also have close friends that are like brothers to me, but for some of my family it has seemed as if their love for me is conditional.
Who is to say I will ever find the answers, but hey why not be honest about my feelings. More often than not, God uses the way I feel to become a testimony to many others.
I love my Savior and that will not change. I know very well that Jesus loves me. But truly how many people have felt neglected and ignored by their families..
I very well know I was one of many. Just now the questions arise.. Why?
Wendi Roed at 2:19pm January 26
I hope you don't really think that. Of course your family - all of us - love you unconditionally! I know we don't always show it or say it, but we do! We're not the best at that I know. What repressed memories are you talking about?
Kristen Rene'e Roed at 7:08pm January 26
We all love you shell.But sometimes we all just dont show it.But there is one person that will never stop loving you for sure at that is me.I will never ever stop loving you even if we are apart.I will do what ever it takes to even talk to you.
Michelle Burns at 10:24pm January 26
I love you Kristen. You have no idea how much of a life saver you have been to me. I love you sweetie. I hope that I have been able to show you that in a very real way. God has placed you in my life for a very special purpose. Any time you hit a rough spot in life you know you can come talk to me. I will be honest with you. I have no reason not to be. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are worth less than you are. Its a lie. You are a Princess. A Daughter of Christ. You are the Bride of Christ. You are precious.
And as far as your question Wendy, there are a lot of things that I fight with myself about. Over the last few years, I have really been taking time getting to know why I do the things I do and pointing out the things that have really shaped my life.
I have drawn remarkably close to Christ in the last year. I do want to thank you for the book you gave me at my graduation party. You have no idea how God has used that to really believe that I have been hearing his voice.
Michelle Burns at 10:36pm January 26
I know very well that God has big plans for my life. Part of the process that will allow those plans to be fulfilled requires me to look upon the things that have made me me and seek out Jesus to heal the parts of my heart that have been broken, bruised and neglected.
Those things are happening and have been happening in my life for a while. When I look back into my childhood, I see a little girl who had really no self-esteem, who was torn to shreds by her classmates and didn't seem to fit in about everywhere I went.
After accepting Christ in High School, I began to see that others shared the same pain that I struggled with, so I decided instead of making their lives more difficult I will allow others to talk to me honestly and openly and that maybe by God's grace others will intern show me the love that I try to show them.
Occasionally this occurs, but for the most part not. Sometimes people take advantage of my ability to love them and try to fill their need for love through me
Michelle Burns at 10:51pm January 26
I have learned that I can not let people drain me. It leaves me completly alone and shattered all over again. But part of my question is why was I ever shattered in the first place?
So yea, mom is a bit passive.. So more than a bit passive.. But why is she passive?
There has to be some reason?
What was it that caused my mother to be passive?
In all of her relationship that intern caused her to be passive in raising her children...
Then Dad.. Why is it so difficult for him to show emotion?
Yes he is male, I understand that.. but why is it so difficult..
Is it that it hurts him to think about things past in regards to the things I am going through..
But even so regardless of my parents... With whom I am now much closer and share a very loving relationship with.. Thanks to a deep desire to truly know that my parents and my brother know that I love them.
Michelle Burns at 11:27pm January 26
Then it comes to the rest of the family.. I pray you truly know I love each and every one of you.
I do however question why it seems that my family has well for the most part always been the last to know everything that happens within the family...
Honestly had it not been for Kristen telling us things.. Well often times we would never have known anything that was happening at all.
For instance... My family was shocked to hear that Andra was married.. We didn't even know she was in a relationship...
And if we did, we didn't know for very long before hand.
Why has there been such a disconnect between all of us?
I want to know..
Is it because we possibly have different views when it comes to the Bible... Is that why it is so rare to actually encourage one another in their relationships with Christ when we are all together as a family... Should we not be rejoicing with one another the ways that God has been continually working in all of our lives.. And praying for one another.
This was taken from my Facebook.
Ryan Webster at 12:44am January 26
Don't be silly! You've been loved by many! I'm sure that included your family. I mean, at the very least look at your bro, Matt!
Michelle Burns at 12:56am January 26
I was speaking more in reference to my extended family. There are a lot of things that make me question.
Possibly adding to the reason I had and at times still have such a low self-esteem. I know my parents and brother love me.. I don't question that at all. I also have close friends that are like brothers to me, but for some of my family it has seemed as if their love for me is conditional.
Who is to say I will ever find the answers, but hey why not be honest about my feelings. More often than not, God uses the way I feel to become a testimony to many others.
I love my Savior and that will not change. I know very well that Jesus loves me. But truly how many people have felt neglected and ignored by their families..
I very well know I was one of many. Just now the questions arise.. Why?
Wendi Roed at 2:19pm January 26
I hope you don't really think that. Of course your family - all of us - love you unconditionally! I know we don't always show it or say it, but we do! We're not the best at that I know. What repressed memories are you talking about?
Kristen Rene'e Roed at 7:08pm January 26
We all love you shell.But sometimes we all just dont show it.But there is one person that will never stop loving you for sure at that is me.I will never ever stop loving you even if we are apart.I will do what ever it takes to even talk to you.
Michelle Burns at 10:24pm January 26
I love you Kristen. You have no idea how much of a life saver you have been to me. I love you sweetie. I hope that I have been able to show you that in a very real way. God has placed you in my life for a very special purpose. Any time you hit a rough spot in life you know you can come talk to me. I will be honest with you. I have no reason not to be. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are worth less than you are. Its a lie. You are a Princess. A Daughter of Christ. You are the Bride of Christ. You are precious.
And as far as your question Wendy, there are a lot of things that I fight with myself about. Over the last few years, I have really been taking time getting to know why I do the things I do and pointing out the things that have really shaped my life.
I have drawn remarkably close to Christ in the last year. I do want to thank you for the book you gave me at my graduation party. You have no idea how God has used that to really believe that I have been hearing his voice.
Michelle Burns at 10:36pm January 26
I know very well that God has big plans for my life. Part of the process that will allow those plans to be fulfilled requires me to look upon the things that have made me me and seek out Jesus to heal the parts of my heart that have been broken, bruised and neglected.
Those things are happening and have been happening in my life for a while. When I look back into my childhood, I see a little girl who had really no self-esteem, who was torn to shreds by her classmates and didn't seem to fit in about everywhere I went.
After accepting Christ in High School, I began to see that others shared the same pain that I struggled with, so I decided instead of making their lives more difficult I will allow others to talk to me honestly and openly and that maybe by God's grace others will intern show me the love that I try to show them.
Occasionally this occurs, but for the most part not. Sometimes people take advantage of my ability to love them and try to fill their need for love through me
Michelle Burns at 10:51pm January 26
I have learned that I can not let people drain me. It leaves me completly alone and shattered all over again. But part of my question is why was I ever shattered in the first place?
So yea, mom is a bit passive.. So more than a bit passive.. But why is she passive?
There has to be some reason?
What was it that caused my mother to be passive?
In all of her relationship that intern caused her to be passive in raising her children...
Then Dad.. Why is it so difficult for him to show emotion?
Yes he is male, I understand that.. but why is it so difficult..
Is it that it hurts him to think about things past in regards to the things I am going through..
But even so regardless of my parents... With whom I am now much closer and share a very loving relationship with.. Thanks to a deep desire to truly know that my parents and my brother know that I love them.
Michelle Burns at 11:27pm January 26
Then it comes to the rest of the family.. I pray you truly know I love each and every one of you.
I do however question why it seems that my family has well for the most part always been the last to know everything that happens within the family...
Honestly had it not been for Kristen telling us things.. Well often times we would never have known anything that was happening at all.
For instance... My family was shocked to hear that Andra was married.. We didn't even know she was in a relationship...
And if we did, we didn't know for very long before hand.
Why has there been such a disconnect between all of us?
I want to know..
Is it because we possibly have different views when it comes to the Bible... Is that why it is so rare to actually encourage one another in their relationships with Christ when we are all together as a family... Should we not be rejoicing with one another the ways that God has been continually working in all of our lives.. And praying for one another.
This was taken from my Facebook.
Michelle is beginning to face represed memories of my childhood... Was I actually loved by my family or just tollerated?
So today... Yesterday (Sunday) was my aunts birthday..
The night before I learn that my uncle would like me to join the family for a celebration of her birthday. I think that is fine..
Unfortunately for me they are having brunch at 12 noon.. (In the middle of when I have Church on Sunday at the Royal Oak Vineyard)
Not much of a problem aside from the fact that I feel that I am being drained of my ability to attend Church with the people who help me feel spiritually alive.
My Savior only knows how much I miss them.
I have not truly been apart of an entire service/ opportunity to be immersed in the spirit at Church for over a month and a half..
Well that is one thing.. The reason this bugs me so is the fact that there is a strong disconnect between my values and some particular family members values when it comes to "Church" Long story short for now these family members believe that it is imperative to "Keep the Sabbath" in other words Church should be on Saturday.
This leaves me feeling unwelcome to attend the Vineyard.. A place I feel loved and connected with the holy spirit.. without feeling judged... This also leaves me feeling quite awkward every time I attend their "Sabbath Service" I don't feel right about it at all. In fact often times I feel more condemned than anywhere I have ever been before.
One of my major reasons for moving to Detroit was to find out why my household - Mom Dad Brother and Myself have become so separated from the family.. Honestly it almost feels as if we have been segregated... One belief vs. another... one stating "These things are true and you are not following them." and the other "What is the difference Jesus tells us to love one another"
This goes back before I was even born.. Why is there such a disconnect?
It goes to the point to say that My family-- Mom Dad Brother and Myself... Did not know my aunt was even in a relationship... (it was quite long time.. close to 2 years) but then learned at a family reunion that she was now married.....
My family has been left out of so many things... Why? Why do we not seem to be important enough to be informed of major life changing events that occur in our own family?
So my uncle has not necessarily been batting me but asking me a lot of questions that cause me to think of why I am the way I am..
Honestly I didn't feel very loved when I was growing up... I had very low self-esteem.
Often times it seems as if the conversation leads back to my parents not doing a very good job of loving me or my brother as children.
Well later that night a memory came back to me that quite speaks to that above statement.
He invited me to a lunch for my aunt on the next day. I told him I was teaching with the children at my Church.. It was almost as if he was about to freak out on me asking if I forgot about Andra's birthday... In reality it came to my attention within the week but still was not a big deal to me.
The last time I ever recall having anything special happen for me on my birthday was when I was like 6... No big deal.. its just another day..
Steve looked at me puzzled and asked really? I said yea... whats the big deal..
It almost seemed foreign the thought to him not to celebrate a birthday...
Back to that statement earlier..
Often times it seems as if the conversation leads back to my parents not doing a very good job of loving me or my brother as children.
Well in reality... I know there are areas in my parents parenting in which they could have showed us they loved us (my brother and I) more. I do know they love us, but in many ways they hurt us...
But why??
Well I believe that hurt people, hurt people...
So how much help did my parents really have in raising me?
How often did my family reach out to be a part of our lives?
Why is it that every time I actually learned something about my family was after a deliberate search and attempt to find specific answers..
I don't recall being told I was loved. Being given special gifts symbolizing love for me..
I don't recall...
Why?
Then to feel as if I need to belong to a specific "Church" to belong...
Man my family was so excited that I went to the Feast of Tabernacles... To me it almost seemed that in their eyes I was finally taking a step towards God..
Well anyone who knows me knows that God is my true Father and Creator.. I will not forget that..
Why would I only be taking "a Step" ...
Is this love conditional?
Why?
Please explain to me why I should even question these things in the first place..
Let alone cry over them..
Nor think about them every time one of my cousins has a birthday party and is showered with gifts from everyone..
why?
Why are my brother and I not treated the same?
Why?
The night before I learn that my uncle would like me to join the family for a celebration of her birthday. I think that is fine..
Unfortunately for me they are having brunch at 12 noon.. (In the middle of when I have Church on Sunday at the Royal Oak Vineyard)
Not much of a problem aside from the fact that I feel that I am being drained of my ability to attend Church with the people who help me feel spiritually alive.
My Savior only knows how much I miss them.
I have not truly been apart of an entire service/ opportunity to be immersed in the spirit at Church for over a month and a half..
Well that is one thing.. The reason this bugs me so is the fact that there is a strong disconnect between my values and some particular family members values when it comes to "Church" Long story short for now these family members believe that it is imperative to "Keep the Sabbath" in other words Church should be on Saturday.
This leaves me feeling unwelcome to attend the Vineyard.. A place I feel loved and connected with the holy spirit.. without feeling judged... This also leaves me feeling quite awkward every time I attend their "Sabbath Service" I don't feel right about it at all. In fact often times I feel more condemned than anywhere I have ever been before.
One of my major reasons for moving to Detroit was to find out why my household - Mom Dad Brother and Myself have become so separated from the family.. Honestly it almost feels as if we have been segregated... One belief vs. another... one stating "These things are true and you are not following them." and the other "What is the difference Jesus tells us to love one another"
This goes back before I was even born.. Why is there such a disconnect?
It goes to the point to say that My family-- Mom Dad Brother and Myself... Did not know my aunt was even in a relationship... (it was quite long time.. close to 2 years) but then learned at a family reunion that she was now married.....
My family has been left out of so many things... Why? Why do we not seem to be important enough to be informed of major life changing events that occur in our own family?
So my uncle has not necessarily been batting me but asking me a lot of questions that cause me to think of why I am the way I am..
Honestly I didn't feel very loved when I was growing up... I had very low self-esteem.
Often times it seems as if the conversation leads back to my parents not doing a very good job of loving me or my brother as children.
Well later that night a memory came back to me that quite speaks to that above statement.
He invited me to a lunch for my aunt on the next day. I told him I was teaching with the children at my Church.. It was almost as if he was about to freak out on me asking if I forgot about Andra's birthday... In reality it came to my attention within the week but still was not a big deal to me.
The last time I ever recall having anything special happen for me on my birthday was when I was like 6... No big deal.. its just another day..
Steve looked at me puzzled and asked really? I said yea... whats the big deal..
It almost seemed foreign the thought to him not to celebrate a birthday...
Back to that statement earlier..
Often times it seems as if the conversation leads back to my parents not doing a very good job of loving me or my brother as children.
Well in reality... I know there are areas in my parents parenting in which they could have showed us they loved us (my brother and I) more. I do know they love us, but in many ways they hurt us...
But why??
Well I believe that hurt people, hurt people...
So how much help did my parents really have in raising me?
How often did my family reach out to be a part of our lives?
Why is it that every time I actually learned something about my family was after a deliberate search and attempt to find specific answers..
I don't recall being told I was loved. Being given special gifts symbolizing love for me..
I don't recall...
Why?
Then to feel as if I need to belong to a specific "Church" to belong...
Man my family was so excited that I went to the Feast of Tabernacles... To me it almost seemed that in their eyes I was finally taking a step towards God..
Well anyone who knows me knows that God is my true Father and Creator.. I will not forget that..
Why would I only be taking "a Step" ...
Is this love conditional?
Why?
Please explain to me why I should even question these things in the first place..
Let alone cry over them..
Nor think about them every time one of my cousins has a birthday party and is showered with gifts from everyone..
why?
Why are my brother and I not treated the same?
Why?
Friday, January 23, 2009
The Talk
So on Saturday, before my convo with my Dad!! I had written a letter.. this letter explained my how I felt about a relationship direction with a good friend... A man I love..
I do love him, but honestly neither one of us are ready for a relationship and drawing out feelings for one another when neither one of us are ready will ultimately cause a downfall. I truly hope he will one day understand the reasoning behind me writing that letter.
Also to go along with that.. I do not know where his relationship with Christ is. If his relationship with Christ is not closer or at the same level as mine, a relationship with him will ultimately cause my relationship with Christ to diminish and will then ultimately ruin our relationship together. (Past experience)
To go along with that same point.. If my relationship with Christ is closer than my husbands it will cause me to become the head of the house... I will be ever encouraging him to draw closer and he will trust my descriptions above his own.
Not good. I want to know that my husband will be the head of our marriage, (making the final decisions) but allow for my input and ask it regularly. No I do not want a man to control me, and nor to I want a husband who thinks he needs my advice for every decision in our marriage. (that would be passive- reliant upon) As I said earlier I need a man who can make decision that lead us ever closer to the foot of the Cross.
That said, this letter needed to be spoken.
I hope one day maybe this good friend will be that man. I do not know. Regardless, I will always love him, but may not choose a life with him. God only knows what the future will bring.
My main hope and concern is that no man attempt to be a man that I would desire outside truthfulness and honesty. If you attempt to be a Godly man to become closer to me.. I pray that my family wards me off that unGodly path sooner than later. Amen. So Be It. Be It So.
So this is how the conversation went.. well the parts that matter..
Me says (6:55 PM):
... that was hot... I think I burnt my tounge..
Him says (6:56 PM):
aww
Him says (6:58 PM):
need me to kiss it and make it all better?
Me says (6:58 PM):
....
Him says (6:59 PM):
hehe
Me says (6:59 PM):
That would be a bad Idea..
Him says (7:00 PM):
why would you say that?
Me says (7:00 PM):
Because we both agree that it is not the right time for a relationship..
Me says (7:01 PM):
Honestly I think that encouraging those feelings is really dangerous right now.
Him says (7:01 PM):
maybe
Me says (7:02 PM):
how do you feel about it?
Him says (7:02 PM):
honestly? i don't know
Him says (7:02 PM):
there's a lot i don't know right now
Him says (7:03 PM):
my roomie is leaving in a month.. i don't know what i'm gonna do about this place
Him says (7:03 PM):
my job just plain doesn't pay enough, and i don't know what to do about that
Him says (7:03 PM):
i do know i love you... but i don't know what to do about it, if anything
Me says (7:04 PM):
k
Him says (7:05 PM):
k?
Me says (7:06 PM):
I don't know how to really reply.
Him says (7:06 PM):
say what you're think
Him says (7:06 PM):
ing*
Me says (7:07 PM):
I have thought about it a lot and know how I feel, but I don't think that will necessarraly help you.
timeshifter says (7:07 PM):
so tell me
Me says (7:08 PM):
give me a min.
Me says (7:16 PM):
hey let me answer that in a few min. my grandparents will be here in a min.
Him says (7:16 PM):
take your time.. no rush
== Back to finish..
Me says (8:19 PM):
There are sometimes I very much dislike telling people how I feel..
Him says (8:20 PM):
why?
Me says (8:20 PM):
but I love you and will do so anyway..
Me says (8:20 PM):
that statement and what I'm about to tell you will prolly confuse the crap out of you..
The following message could not be delivered to all recipients:
But the fact that the thoughts continue to arise and with wisdom from close friends whom I know truly care about me, this is what I feel needs to be said.
Him says (8:22 PM):
so spit it out
Me says (8:23 PM):
But the fact that the thoughts continye to arise and with wisdom from close friends whom I know truly care about me, this is what I feel needs to be said.
Me says (8:24 PM):
I wrote this on saturday and I'm going to break it up.
Me says (8:24 PM):
I don't know where your faith is and that scares me.
Mesays (8:25 PM):
I want to say that to start... Nor do I know what you believe when it comes down to things... So I hope that you will talk to me honestly about how you feel about the letter after I start and finish sending it.
Him says (8:26 PM):
k...
Me says (8:26 PM):
I need to let you go. We need to break the soul ties between us. I feel as if they are distracting both of us from the places God wants us to be at in this stage in each of our lives. I honestly do not know what will happen in either one of our futures, but in reality we both agree that in the present time neither one of us are ready for a committed relationship, but neither one of us has taken a
Me says (8:26 PM):
step to cease the dwelling feelings or emotions that tie us together. That is not good and needs to happen.
Me says (8:26 PM):
I can not leave my heart nor yours on hold. I feel that on the ride home our heart were awakened to the possibility of a future; and was then encouraged by one another, but it was awakened at the wrong time. Therefore it needs to be placed back in a dormant state. The only way that I believe this can be accomplished is by breaking the soul ties between us.
Me says (8:26 PM):
When God awakens our hearts within His will whether to one another or not, He will make it clear that it is His timing and is within His will.
Me says (8:27 PM):
God has promised me blessings beyond measure and I will not settle for less.
It would be wise that either one of us no longer discuss earthly desires to be intimate with the other, nor provoke those desire out of the other. All of these need to be cut off.
However, these can be replaced with a desire to encourage one another to walk in the ways of the Lord.
Me says (8:29 PM):
Please be honest with me....
Him says (8:29 PM):
k
Him says (8:30 PM):
i understand
Me says (8:31 PM):
what are you thinking?
Him says (8:32 PM):
didn't see it coming
Me says (8:32 PM):
... and...
Him says (8:34 PM):
ok
Him says (8:34 PM):
i don't know what else to say
Me says (8:36 PM):
I want the best for you. I feel that right now we are ultimately hurting eachother.
Me says (8:36 PM):
I don't know if you Love me or if you are in Love with me.
Him says (8:37 PM):
probably both
Me says (8:38 PM):
I think it would be best to stay friends for now and let God move the way he does.
Him says (8:38 PM):
--This was a smiley
Me says (8:38 PM):
-- one back
Me says (8:39 PM):
-- Hugging arms--
Him says (8:39 PM):
-- Hugging arms back--
Me says (8:39 PM):
-- another smile--
I honestly do not know how he feels about me writing this all out.. But truthfully this blog began as a place in which I could post my true feelings regardless of who read them. So I will choose to keep this mans name out of this blog to save face for him.
I very much appreciate the fact that he has been completly honest with me. Well at least to my knowledge. He has really no reason to lie to me and if he did I would have a few sources to verify things that didn't add up anyway..
Not that I even think I will ever have to. I have always trusted him.. Don't really know why.. I just do. That goes with the way I feel about him too.. I love him.. Don't really know why.. I just do.
But regardless.. It is far more important to me that my husband consistently has close fellowship with Christ our King and will actively invite me to be involved in an ever flowing walk with Christ as one body.
I do love him, but honestly neither one of us are ready for a relationship and drawing out feelings for one another when neither one of us are ready will ultimately cause a downfall. I truly hope he will one day understand the reasoning behind me writing that letter.
Also to go along with that.. I do not know where his relationship with Christ is. If his relationship with Christ is not closer or at the same level as mine, a relationship with him will ultimately cause my relationship with Christ to diminish and will then ultimately ruin our relationship together. (Past experience)
To go along with that same point.. If my relationship with Christ is closer than my husbands it will cause me to become the head of the house... I will be ever encouraging him to draw closer and he will trust my descriptions above his own.
Not good. I want to know that my husband will be the head of our marriage, (making the final decisions) but allow for my input and ask it regularly. No I do not want a man to control me, and nor to I want a husband who thinks he needs my advice for every decision in our marriage. (that would be passive- reliant upon) As I said earlier I need a man who can make decision that lead us ever closer to the foot of the Cross.
That said, this letter needed to be spoken.
I hope one day maybe this good friend will be that man. I do not know. Regardless, I will always love him, but may not choose a life with him. God only knows what the future will bring.
My main hope and concern is that no man attempt to be a man that I would desire outside truthfulness and honesty. If you attempt to be a Godly man to become closer to me.. I pray that my family wards me off that unGodly path sooner than later. Amen. So Be It. Be It So.
So this is how the conversation went.. well the parts that matter..
Me says (6:55 PM):
... that was hot... I think I burnt my tounge..
Him says (6:56 PM):
aww
Him says (6:58 PM):
need me to kiss it and make it all better?
Me says (6:58 PM):
....
Him says (6:59 PM):
hehe
Me says (6:59 PM):
That would be a bad Idea..
Him says (7:00 PM):
why would you say that?
Me says (7:00 PM):
Because we both agree that it is not the right time for a relationship..
Me says (7:01 PM):
Honestly I think that encouraging those feelings is really dangerous right now.
Him says (7:01 PM):
maybe
Me says (7:02 PM):
how do you feel about it?
Him says (7:02 PM):
honestly? i don't know
Him says (7:02 PM):
there's a lot i don't know right now
Him says (7:03 PM):
my roomie is leaving in a month.. i don't know what i'm gonna do about this place
Him says (7:03 PM):
my job just plain doesn't pay enough, and i don't know what to do about that
Him says (7:03 PM):
i do know i love you... but i don't know what to do about it, if anything
Me says (7:04 PM):
k
Him says (7:05 PM):
k?
Me says (7:06 PM):
I don't know how to really reply.
Him says (7:06 PM):
say what you're think
Him says (7:06 PM):
ing*
Me says (7:07 PM):
I have thought about it a lot and know how I feel, but I don't think that will necessarraly help you.
timeshifter says (7:07 PM):
so tell me
Me says (7:08 PM):
give me a min.
Me says (7:16 PM):
hey let me answer that in a few min. my grandparents will be here in a min.
Him says (7:16 PM):
take your time.. no rush
== Back to finish..
Me says (8:19 PM):
There are sometimes I very much dislike telling people how I feel..
Him says (8:20 PM):
why?
Me says (8:20 PM):
but I love you and will do so anyway..
Me says (8:20 PM):
that statement and what I'm about to tell you will prolly confuse the crap out of you..
The following message could not be delivered to all recipients:
But the fact that the thoughts continue to arise and with wisdom from close friends whom I know truly care about me, this is what I feel needs to be said.
Him says (8:22 PM):
so spit it out
Me says (8:23 PM):
But the fact that the thoughts continye to arise and with wisdom from close friends whom I know truly care about me, this is what I feel needs to be said.
Me says (8:24 PM):
I wrote this on saturday and I'm going to break it up.
Me says (8:24 PM):
I don't know where your faith is and that scares me.
Mesays (8:25 PM):
I want to say that to start... Nor do I know what you believe when it comes down to things... So I hope that you will talk to me honestly about how you feel about the letter after I start and finish sending it.
Him says (8:26 PM):
k...
Me says (8:26 PM):
I need to let you go. We need to break the soul ties between us. I feel as if they are distracting both of us from the places God wants us to be at in this stage in each of our lives. I honestly do not know what will happen in either one of our futures, but in reality we both agree that in the present time neither one of us are ready for a committed relationship, but neither one of us has taken a
Me says (8:26 PM):
step to cease the dwelling feelings or emotions that tie us together. That is not good and needs to happen.
Me says (8:26 PM):
I can not leave my heart nor yours on hold. I feel that on the ride home our heart were awakened to the possibility of a future; and was then encouraged by one another, but it was awakened at the wrong time. Therefore it needs to be placed back in a dormant state. The only way that I believe this can be accomplished is by breaking the soul ties between us.
Me says (8:26 PM):
When God awakens our hearts within His will whether to one another or not, He will make it clear that it is His timing and is within His will.
Me says (8:27 PM):
God has promised me blessings beyond measure and I will not settle for less.
It would be wise that either one of us no longer discuss earthly desires to be intimate with the other, nor provoke those desire out of the other. All of these need to be cut off.
However, these can be replaced with a desire to encourage one another to walk in the ways of the Lord.
Me says (8:29 PM):
Please be honest with me....
Him says (8:29 PM):
k
Him says (8:30 PM):
i understand
Me says (8:31 PM):
what are you thinking?
Him says (8:32 PM):
didn't see it coming
Me says (8:32 PM):
... and...
Him says (8:34 PM):
ok
Him says (8:34 PM):
i don't know what else to say
Me says (8:36 PM):
I want the best for you. I feel that right now we are ultimately hurting eachother.
Me says (8:36 PM):
I don't know if you Love me or if you are in Love with me.
Him says (8:37 PM):
probably both
Me says (8:38 PM):
I think it would be best to stay friends for now and let God move the way he does.
Him says (8:38 PM):
--This was a smiley
Me says (8:38 PM):
-- one back
Me says (8:39 PM):
-- Hugging arms--
Him says (8:39 PM):
-- Hugging arms back--
Me says (8:39 PM):
-- another smile--
I honestly do not know how he feels about me writing this all out.. But truthfully this blog began as a place in which I could post my true feelings regardless of who read them. So I will choose to keep this mans name out of this blog to save face for him.
I very much appreciate the fact that he has been completly honest with me. Well at least to my knowledge. He has really no reason to lie to me and if he did I would have a few sources to verify things that didn't add up anyway..
Not that I even think I will ever have to. I have always trusted him.. Don't really know why.. I just do. That goes with the way I feel about him too.. I love him.. Don't really know why.. I just do.
But regardless.. It is far more important to me that my husband consistently has close fellowship with Christ our King and will actively invite me to be involved in an ever flowing walk with Christ as one body.
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